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A few days ago, my bride wrote My Cottage Garden, in which she talks about her gradually growing cottage garden. She makes a great point about some poor reasons why many of us don’t invest as much in our marriage as we should, and I urge you to go read her for those things. That said, I’d like to make a different point.
I happen to like Lori’s cottage garden – I like the concept, and I like how it’s looking. However, even if I didn’t care, I’d be supportive because this is something she wants to do. This is fun for her, and good for her, and that is all it takes for me to be all for it and as supportive as possible.
There is, however, a danger – getting too involved. This is her thing, and she’s having a blast with it. She cares what I think, and enjoys discussing how it is going and what she wants to do next, but this is not a project she wants to do jointly. Lori wants it to be a reflection of who she is, and if I get too involved, I will spoil it for her. So I am encouraging and available to help, but nothing more. I ran the tiller and helped get the grass out. I lug bags of compost and mulch, and I sprinkle red pepper to help keep the cats away, but I do not tell her where I think things should go. I occasionally mention a plant I like – if it shows up that’s fine, if it doesn’t show up, that’s fine too.
My point is sometimes being supportive means being on the fringe. It means being available to help, but not getting offended if you’re not included.
[This post first appeared July 8, 2012.]
Image Credit: © Lori Byerly
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I definitely struggle with this at times. I enjoy doing things WITH my wife and feel closer to her that way. We don’t actually do this very often as our talents are different and I’m apparently not as fun or relaxing to be around as her friends. I frequently long for us to do something TOGETHER. As a result, I truly struggle to let her enjoy doing things without me such as breakfast dates with friends or ladies only dinners.
I feel sometimes that she does more fun things with others than she does with me and has more fun with them. So I’ve been trying to think back to refute this idea in my own mind. If it isn’t true, then I can use that to oust the selfish feelings. I haven’t decided yet if my feelings are based on reality so I’m trying to operate on the “give the benefit of the doubt” mode.
The other thought is that she actually DOES enjoy being with them and doing things with them more due to our history. It seems that there is very little we can do that doesn’t remind her of the times that I hurt her so badly. As a result, I would naturally put a damper on any activity for her just by being there. I’m actively trying to find ways to create new positive memories and experiences. Sadly, it seems like the few times we find something fun to do together, something inevitably triggers the memories for her l, which makes her down and depressed the rest of the time, which turns it into yet another negative memory. The last thing we did together started out well until she misunderstood something that I had said and it triggered her. Even after I realized what she thought I had said and clarified what I had actually said the damage was done and the rest of the experience ruined. She actually said that she wished we hadn’t gone. The whole trip had been great except for that one miscommunication but that spoiled it completely, even after it was corrected.
All that to say, I see the value in what you’re saying. It’s wise advice and I would truly like to put it into practice better.