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I recently tweeted the following:
Many “sex problems” are really just selfishness. #SexTip
When you read that, did your mind go to the places your wife’s selfishness hurts your sex life? More importantly, did you then move on to consider how your selfishness might be hurting your sex life?
We can’t be unaware of our wife’s sexual selfishness, but it’s all too easy to miss our own. Or to justify or excuse it. I think this is especially true for men who are the higher drive spouse. It’s natural to focus on any refusal or resistance on her part and avoid looking at ourselves. Of course, our selfishness my have greatly contributed to her refusal or resistance.
Would your wife say you’re sexually selfish? Would she say you’re a generous lover? Would she put you somewhere between those two?
You can argue her perception is biased or unfair, or you can work to change that perception. Only one of those choices can lead to more or better sex.
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You’re right, my mind immediately started to go to the places her selfishness hurts our sex life. I say “our” because I firmly believe that it would greatly benefit both of us if we could make improvements in this part of our marriage.
Thankfully, the Lord helped me to arrest that thought process and redirect it to, “in what ways have I been selfish/am I often selfish. That’s a more difficult tack to hold to, it hurts more, and it’s harder to find the answers but it’s the part I can actually do something about.
I actually could think of several. Thankfully, the bulk of them are in the past, some in the far distant past. I am actively working on being less selfish. It’s difficult to think in terms of selfish when your starving and the person you are trying to be selfless towards is the one withholding the food but I know that doesn’t excuse selfish behavior on my part. It just makes selflessness more challenging. 2 Corinthians 12:9 comes to mind because I sure feel weak when facing this giant…