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I’ve often said porn is not primarily about sex. Sex is the hook and what gives porn its power, but the real issue is self-medicating.
One place where this is difficult to see is when a man is using porn because his sex life with his wife is lacking. He sees it as being about sex, but it’s actually self-medicating the pain of sexual refusal.
Porn is about sex in that it makes us horny, which makes any orgasm we have better. Masturbation feels better with porn. It results in greater physical pleasure, and it tricks us into thinking we’re connecting with another person sexually. This medicates the pain of our wife not providing the sex we want and need. But it cuts both ways; it also makes sex with our wife less likely and less enjoyable when it happens.
Of course, porn is used to medicate far more than sexual refusal. This is why we tend to slip when we’re feeling down or stressed. Porn is a quick, easy fix when we don’t feel the way we want to. It’s no different from drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, or any of the other ways we self-medicate.
I’m all for you getting free of porn. But if you don’t deal with the root problem, you may turn to another, possibly more destructive, form of self-medicating.
Dealing with the root problem doesn’t mean making it go away, because that’s not always possible. Sometimes you have to learn to cope, or find a healthy way to deal with the pain.
If you’ve tried and failed to get free of porn, figure out why you use it. Deal with that, and walking away from porn will become possible.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I wish I had known when I was young and single what I know now. Dealing effectively with the root would have been so much better/easier/more effective when it was just me and the porn problem. It also would have saved me and mine so much trouble and misery.
As it is, the Lord did help me to finally break completely free all at once once I found the keys to doing so but the sudden freedom left me without the complete knowledge of what the root had been. I couldn’t break free in stages as some do and use my failures as a way to figure out what was causing them. When I found the keys coincided with things coming to a head in our marriage. One more failure would have probably been the end of our marriage. My wife was giving no leeway for slipping at that point. Thankfully, the knowledge I gained from the Conquer series, Puredesire ministries, and others and a whole lot of grace from the Lord were enough to finally break the cycle.
I’ve tried thinking back to find what triggered my failures and get at the root. I have a couple of ideas but it was infrequent enough towards the end that I simply couldn’t recall the circumstances, thoughts, feelings that had led up to more than the last one. I truly wish I had found those resources much earlier for so many reasons.
All that to say that, if you are reading this while still unmarried and struggling with pornography, it will be far better to take advantage of such resources now. Don’t marry until you have rooted out the core issues. Either way, don’t wait until divorce is looming. Do it now.
Also, accountability is annoying and difficult but extremely helpful. It might even be critical to success. Find some people of your gender who are close to the Lord and can be trusted to keep your confidence and to tell you the truth even when it hurts. Maybe find others struggling with the same thing, as long as they fit the above criteria, and regularly check in with each other. Pray for each other. Celebrate milestones and successes. Above all, stay as close to the Lord yourself as you possibly can. The rest is good and important but your relationship to the Lord is absolutely critical.