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I came across The ‘Busy’ Trap on the opinion pages of the on-line NY times. Since I just wrote on this, I took the time to see what the fellow had to say. The whole thing is good, but one pull quote really jumped out at me:
It’s not as if any of us wants to live like this; it’s something we collectively force one another to do.
That’s the real issue: busyness is a disease, a social disease spread by repeated contact with carriers. This means getting free of busyness may be difficult or impossible if you stay immersed in a busy culture. And even if you do get free, you could be reinfected. This is part of a bigger issue I’ve mentioned more than once – we tend to mirror the folks we hang with. You shape your friends, and they shape you. Individuality within groups is not nearly as great as we like to think. This is true of busyness, how we spend our money, how much we exercise, the kind of sex we have, and how we treat our spouse.
The hard fact is, our friends can anchor us to things we don’t like, things we would like to remove from our lives. What’s more, if you’re strong enough to change despite your friends, they may drop you because of the changes. Most groups expect certain behaviours and beliefs, and those who stray too far are marginalised or outright excommunicated.
Does all of this mean you have to choose between your friends and making changes in your life? Sometimes it really does come down to that, or at least to being willing to lose friends if that’s what it takes. The question then is what’s more important to you, your friends or being healthy; your friends or doing what’s right; your friends or your marriage? Are you ready to declare independence from the crowd and do what is right?
[This post first appeared July 4, 2012.]
Image Credit: © Romolo Tavani | stock.adobe.com
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There is an element of that, of course. Also, my wife feels obligated to “minister” where she can. We also seem to be a church comprised mainly if introverts and this many hesitate to volunteer for things. So there is plenty of opportunity for my wife and I to “minister” in some capacity. Don’t get me wrong, I do see much of what we do as a form of ministry, though I sometimes feel that we aren’t yet in a place to really minister to others that much yet with the state of our marriage. I feel like there are a handful of willing people handling the work of an entire church and that’s not healthy.
The other thing in our case, though, is that it serves as a kind of distraction. If all we have to focus on is each other and our family, my wife becomes mired in negative emotions and depression. We really do need to work on our relationship but neither of us really knows what to do next. I’ve discussed the counseling quandary and how we seem stuck there. So, we spend a little time together and a lot of time working, ministering, or (in her case) going to ladies retreats or (also in her case) occasionally meeting with friends for coffee, breakfast, or dinner.
Now, all of that latter is healthy in and of itself. It’s the fact that it is used for a means of avoiding me and the healing that we need to build towards with the Lord’s help. Now before someone jumps to the idea that all time we spend together is spent in deep, depressing conversations about the state of things, it isn’t. We’ve done plenty of that and it was usually my wife that took the conversation there. We try to also have fun together when we can. It’s just really difficult to do that when we’re so busy. Of course, we seem to have very little that we both enjoy these days, so that doesn’t help. Still… I feel like we’re running in circles and getting nowhere.