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This post will be a bit different. It has a massive marriage impact, but it’s not directly about marriage. This post is in praise of living in community.
I’ve desired to live in community since I moved out of my family home at the age of twenty. In the book of Acts, we see the early Christians doing this. Not because they were commanded to do so, but because it was a natural result of the lives they were living. I’ve always felt we should feel pulled to community living. But western culture has moved away from that, being all about privacy and independence.
I’ve tried living in community in big and small ways for forty years. If you’ve read me for a long time, you have seen two of those attempts fail badly. But for the last seven years we’ve been doing it, and it’s been great. Our community includes my son, his wife, and their two children. It also includes his mother-in-law, his brother-in-law, and his wife and their kids. Additionally, we’ve had others here, including extended family members looking for a soft launch into adulthood, and a couple with a baby who was about to be homeless. We live in four homes on ten acres. We see each other all the time, but we each have our own space.
The benefits of community are huge. There’s always someone to lend a hand when needed. In the case of an emergency, everyone comes together. When a vehicle breaks down, there’s another that can be used. We have pooled resources to buy things none of us could have afforded together, and we work together to make the property so much better.
There is less privacy than if we had our own place, but it’s not a problem, as everyone respects whatever boundaries are set. We have traded independence for the safety of others who have our back. The kids have far more love and care than they would otherwise have, and none of them will ever know daycare. And as Lori and I age, we will be cared for in our own home by folks who love us. Likewise for my son’s mother-in-law.
Yes, it’s a radical, countercultural choice. It’s also a wise one, especially now. My experience certainly shows it can go wrong, but when it’s good it’s amazing. I feel extremely blessed to live in this community, and I wouldn’t change it for anything.
BTW, one of the keys to successfully living community is to keep short accounts. Deal with small issues quickly. A mixture of good boundaries and grace will cover much of the rest. Being able to accept others as broken and not seeing it as your job to “fix” them is critical.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly
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Different members of each generation in our family have dreamed of this. My parents had it somewhat with my maternal grandparents for most of my life and others have kind of come and gone over the years. My brother built a small house when he married and, now that my grandparents are gone, he has their old house and his daughter has his old house. A couple of uncles have had adjoining property on and off and now my sister lives in a small house there, too. It can be a wonderful thing.
I would love to be part of it except for that boundaries thing you mentioned. My dad recognizes few boundaries when it comes to our family and property close enough for him to walk to. I’ve mentioned that he and my wife are two of a kind and considering that he almost certainly would end up doing something on our piece of property without making sure it was ok or wanted and that my wife would then be tempted to put him in his place… it isn’t an option for us just now.
It breaks my heart, though. My brothers kids all have had easy access to our parents as they grew up/are growing up, and my mom was always available to watch them and often to pick them up or drop them off places. I wanted that for our kids but it doesn’t work for us, at least not when we aren’t part of the little family community. I really wanted them to spend that quality time with my mom and build those memories. They mostly see her at church and at the occasional family get together.
I still dream, though