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A question asked by a wise husband and wife I know when they talk to couples is “Would you rather be right or happy?” What they mean is that insisting on proving you’re right often gets in the way of being happy. If you can learn to let go of things, allowing others to “be wrong”, you can be more relaxed and happy. This is especially true in marriage, where fights over who is right and the “right way to do it” can tear a couple apart.
I agree with this concept, mostly, as I’ve explained it. However, I’ve always had a problem with the saying because on some issues right and wrong are important. As a semi-reformed black and white thinker, the right or happy choice seems like a false choice to me.
So let me offer this: would you rather be in control or happy? No doubt, some of you will think, “what about headship?” I don’t see headship as being in control because submission is a choice, and headship is about SERVANT leadership, which is not the same thing as being in control. Done right, headship is about God being in control; if you never lead into things you wouldn’t choose to do, then God is not in control. Control is about power, not loving and serving. It’s natural to want to be in control. We see it in our children; even before they can talk, they want control. Most problems with preschoolers come down to the child wanting to be in control. In fact, most problems in life – from problems on the highway to wars – come down to struggles for control.
We think being in complete control would make us happy. We think it would make us feel safe. However, we could only have such control if others were willing to give up all control, which isn’t likely. In marriage, having complete control would require our wife to give up all control. Aside from being unlikely, would you really want to be with a woman who would do that? When we struggle for control we hurt each other, feel hurt, and neither of us is happy.
You and your wife would both be happier if you could do less fighting to be in control. I realise this is a scary suggestion if your wife’s the “control freak” in your marriage. Find a few places where you can stop fighting for control, a few places where it really doesn’t matter. Let her have her way, even if “it’s not fair”. See how it makes you feel, and see if it makes your relationship easier. If you’re the control freak (be honest with yourself) then you have the power to make changes here. Relax, let go of a few things, and see if it makes life better for you and your wife.
[This post first appeared July 3, 2012.]
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