Podcast: Download
Subscribe RSS
We ran a Facebook poll asking why women say no to sex. Here is what we found with 178 women answering.
As with any web based survey, I can’t claim the results are representative of the population as a whole, but I can tell you they fall in line with what we and others hear from women. This won’t apply to all women, but if your wife hasn’t suffered significant sexual abuse, is not inherently against sex, and isn’t just plain selfish, there’s a good chance this speaks for her fairly well. I’ve put the full responses, plus comments, at the end, after my thoughts.
- Too tired: Two-thirds of the women said they say no because they are too tired, and half said they say no because it’s late, or they have to get up early. I know tired sounds like an excuse to men, but please realise sex takes more energy for women, especially if they want to climax. We can have a quickie, climax, roll over and be asleep all in ten minutes, but this just leaves a woman horny, frustrated, and unable to get to sleep. If she’s tired to start with, climax is going to be difficult at best, and maybe just not worth the effort. (Note, 16% said they say no because “It would take way too much time and effort to climax.”) So, if you want more sex, your number one job is to find a way for your wife to get more rest and better sleep. Nothing else will have as much of an effect, and for most women nothing else can have an effect until the exhaustion issue is resolved.
- Not connected: The next biggie, at 44%, was not having connected emotionally. Women need to be connected on a heart level to want and enjoy connecting physically. They can have sex without emotional connection, but they won’t want it, and probably won’t enjoy it. (BTW, an orgasm does not mean she enjoyed it – really). So, if you want more sex, your number two job is building your relationship. This doesn’t mean being lovey-dovey an hour before you ask for sex! Work on the relationship 24/7, and she’ll be more open to sex in general.
- Stress!: Thirty percent of women say no due to stress. Some women manage to get to the place where sex is a stress reliever, but this is not the norm. For most women, stress kills both their sex drive and their ability to respond sexually. So, if you want more sex, your number three job is to be aware of your wife’s stress level and find ways to help her. This is neither an easy nor quick task, but you can do things to help her with stress.
- He’s rude!: More than a quarter of women have said no because of recent rudeness on the part of their husband. So, if you want more sex, your number four job is to stop being rude. Again, this doesn’t mean just the hours leading up to bedtime; it means trying to never be rude, and admitting it and apologising when you are rude.
- OUCH! One woman in five said they have said no because of physical pain. There’s no breakdown of the pain, although several women indicated period related pain in the comments. Husband being too rough was 3.5%, so most of this pain is something else. Learn to know when she’s in pain, and find ways to help her reduce pain. You might also be able to have sex if you are willing to do something other than intercourse. Orgasm is a great painkiller, and if she learns you can give her an orgasm without hurting her, she may have a new motivation to say yes!
- Wrong message: A little more than one woman in six says no because things are not okay in the relationship, and she knows her husband takes sex as proof everything is okay. This does NOT mean she’s saying no because of the problems, but because she doesn’t want to wrongly communicate the problems are resolved or are no big deal. If you will learn sex is not an indication everything is fine, and if you can communicate that understanding to her, she may well be more open to sex. She may be willing to set the issues aside and enjoy sex with you if she knows you’ll still be willing to deal with the issues later.
- I hate how I look!: About one in six women were so distressed by how they look they say no to sex. And, for each woman who says no, there are a several more who say yes but struggle to enjoy because they feel self-conscious. This is a huge issue, and one you need to work on steadily if you want to help her feel better about her body.
- It’s all he wants: While “I feel it’s all he wants me for” was fairly low, at 15%, it still means plenty of women feel this way. They may or may not be right, but it’s killing the couple’s sex life.
- Ready fire aim: A lack of foreplay was a reason for refusing for one woman in eight. However, I suspect even more would say they don’t enjoy sex much due to a lack of foreplay. It’s nice this was fairly low, and it’s an easy thing to fix.
- All the rest: The remaining ten answers were chosen by fewer than 10% of those answering.
WOMEN: Why do you say no to sex?
Too tried 66.7%
It’s late and/or getting up early in the morning 49.1%
We have not connected emotionally 44.4%
Stressed 29.8%
He’s been rude to me recently 29.2%
Physical pain 19.9%
He thinks it means everything is okay, and it’s not 17.5%
It would take way to much time and effort to climax 16.4%
I don’t like how I look 16.4%
I feel it’s all he wants me for 15.2%
There is never enough foreplay 12.3%
I’ve rarely or never climax 8.8%
Not enough privacy 8.8%
He does not turn me on 7.6%
He does not take care of me; when he’s done, he thinks it’s over 7.6%
He smells bad 7.0%
If I do, he “wins” 5.8%
He’s too rough 3.5%
He always wants to do things I don’t like 2.9%
I think sex is wrong or gross 1.8%
I just don’t love him anymore 1.2%
Comments from the women:
- I never say no. I have even told my husband that i’m up for it anytime he wants it. ;)
- usually it’s just that one of us is not comfortable, physically, mentally, or just with the environment.
- He lies to me. I can’t trust him.
- Sometimes I just feel gross, like I’m not clean enough or whatnot.
- “that” time of the month
- young children :)
- When I’m not feeling healthy
- He has said no to me so many times, that I can barely be in the mood!
- I don’t say no…..
- I don’t say no but he usually doesn’t ask
- If the marriage has no mental, emotional, spiritual connection. How can I respond sexually.
- It doesn’t feel as good as it used to or hurts too much.
- I have several chronic conditions that come with some complications that make sex uncomfortable.
- Sex can be pleasurable, but I never (or rarely) have a desire for it. It’s just too much effort and not something I really crave.
- He’s the one who says no.
- He had prostate cancer We rarely have it.
- If I’m sick
- The only time I will say no to sex is if I’m throwing up or menstruating. Otherwise, he’s the one that’s usually saying no.
- He doesn’t seem interested.
- pregnant/sick
- He does not ask Porn issues and Masturbation
- vertigo when I lay down causes nausea and panic, so I have to start the night semi sitting, my husband can tell I’m nauseated and feels bad about bringing it up.
- Not enough time to relax, or anticipate previous to starting
- We don’t have time. Otherwise, we don’t say “no”
- he only wants to do it in the morning, i am still half asleep
- he appears soooo needy
- Makes me feel vulnerable
- Menstrual cycle
- bitter from doing everything (housework, bills, lawn care…) with zero help from him
Image Credit: © surveymonkey.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
[This post first appeared June 23, 2012.]
I have never said no to sex. But, there have been a few times that I wanted to. Those times have been when my husband has been hurtful towards me, then wants sex without doing the work of restoration. The good thing is that if he knows that I am reluctant at all, he immediately backs off. He has never pressured me.
I can’t say that any of this surprises me. My wife’s perception hinders us from getting through some of the things she has indicated to be a problem in our marriage. Her drive to always be moving and doing things for those around us is something I admire in many ways yet I have learned that it is also a very detrimental aspect, too.
It’s truly impossible to help her de-stress and be less exhausted because anything taken off of her plate is immediately replaced by something else. Some of it is just the unending list of things that “just need to be done” that so many women carry around in their heads. I have it too but I lay it aside to prioritize her and our family. She, and perhaps this is common among the fairer sex, seems unable to do that. She is pretty good at prioritizing things within the list but we don’t fall in that list. It’s too crowded to add us to it.
That ought to be enough but quite often she adds things such as helping at church with many different things that no one else seems able (or at least willing) to do up to, and including serving on the board. Again, I admire her drive to help where she can. The issue is that she feels that so many things fall under the banner of her responsibility that she is chronically overwhelmed, stressed, and exhausted. At that point, from which we never stray far or for long, the kids and I are a burden on top of too many burdens. How can she expend time, energy, emotions on us when her reserves are perpetually depleted?
I’m not saying that she forgets that we are there or that we need her love. She stresses about that, too. She knows that we often feel neglected and sidelined for all of that wonderful stuff and has said that she feels like a failure.
I have tried to advise her that maybe she needs to take less on herself but she knows that no one else will do it or that, if someone does, it will be one of a handful of others like herself who are likewise already overwhelmed. She isn’t wrong in that, which makes it really difficult to ask her to let some of it go. Most of it truly is important for reaching out to the community, keeping the church doors open for those in need, and helping minister to others who are so overwhelmed that they need someone to share God’s grace with them. So she feels it is her calling and my efforts to slow her down are unhelpful at best or even selfish.
How do I compete with that? She is a highly intelligent, very accomplished, and well educated woman. Nothing I can say gets through since she “knows” she is smarter (has caught herself just short of actually saying the words but made her belief on it quite clear), better educated, and has a more holy history than I do. She is aware that she isn’t perfect and that adds to her stress at times but she has never fallen to the level of viewing pornography, having any type of affair, or any of the other sins that she considers critical and many of which I committed at some point. So my word is of little value to her.
I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do. My sins have undermined everything and hers are unimportant to the issue which leaves me…where? I know what the Bible says but can’t go by that because she doesn’t. In her world, my past is past but has given her carte blanche to disregard the verses that would help us because I forfeited my place when I sinned. The past can be forgiven and “has been” but that doesn’t restore my standing in our home.
I get that from a human standpoint. Regardless of the circumstances, I hurt her and damaged her trust. That can be difficult to rebuild, if it can be rebuilt at all. Yet, I know that I am not the only one who made bad choices. She didn’t commit the sins I did but she could not throw the first stone either.
I’m rambling again. I think it’s because I get lost trying to figure out how to navigate this situation when we both are acting within what we believe is what the Bible teaches yet with such different ideas of what that is. I see what she is doing, perhaps to herself most of all, and am powerless to help. It’s just so demoralizing.
Yet, I know Whom I have believed. I know that He is able. As hopeless as things may seem at times from my very finite perspective, He is well able to get through to her. I cannot help her but He can. Even if she refuses to hear Him or obey, I know that His grace is enough for me and for our children. He loves them even more than I do or even can. He loves my wife even more than I do or can. Most amazing of all, perhaps, is that He loves me that much, too, in spite of everything. Praise His name!
@Pa’dam – Being always too busy is the sin of good church folks. And I do mean sin. It’s contrary to both what Jesus did and told us to do.
Do you have a post on “Why Husbands Say No to Sex”? Your #3 in the list for women would be my #1.
@James – See When HE Says No to Sex