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Over on The XY Code, I did a rerun last week that I modified based on a discussion Chris of Honeycomb & Spice and I had in the comments of the original post. I think that discussion is worth sharing with you gentlemen.
I agree that my husband should be trying to express his love in ways that make it easier for me to feel loved. I am one who used to say “you don’t love me” quite a bit, and it always hurt my husband.
Just as you say that “his loving you and you feeling loved may not go hand in hand,” I would add that knowing I am loved and feeling I am loved don’t always go hand in hand, either. I frequently observe my husband being loving to me, and those observations help me know, in my mind, that he loves me. But sometimes, those actions just don’t reach my heart–which leads to my second reservation, which is that my husband is not responsible for how I feel; I am.
No matter what he knows about making me feel loved and no matter what he does, at the end of the day, I still might not be feeling it–and that’s on my shoulders, not on his.
I replied:
Would you agree with: His part is to do his best to love you in a way you can hear/feel, and your part is to try to see his intent even when you do not feel it.
And Chris said:
Yes, that works for me.
All too often when our wife is wrong, or falling short, or not seeing things clearly, we decide that means the problem is hers. We may then decide we have no responsibility, or that there is nothing we can do. But often both spouses have missed it, and both need to do their part. When the issue is her perception, how you have presented things may be a big part of the difficulty, and you need to work to deal with that.
Doing your part better can only improve the situation!
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Ouch and amen. I probably sound like I complain a lot on here. That’s probably because I do, partly because it is a relatively safe place to unload what I am wrestling with without hurting my wife and partly because typing it out often clears my mind enough for me to see things I have been unable to see around the latest burden. Sometimes I see things that are already in motion as the Lord works in my wife and I to bring healing and restoration. Sometimes I see things one or both of need to work on to move forward.
That last one is key. I can’t do much of anything with what I see that my wife my need to work on normally. Partly, because it is usually something that the Lord needs to bring to her attention when she is ready to receive it in a way she can process and partly because we are not in a place where she can receive any form of criticism however gentle or positive from me. Her defenses are still very much on a hair trigger and anything like that immediately puts her on guard.
It’s the other part that is so (often painfully) valuable. It’s when I get a clear enough mind and perspective that I can see the things I need to work on MYSELF. Now I don’t mean by myself, since I know that I wouldn’t get very far without help from the Holy Spirit and sometimes people He sends my way to help. I mean simply that I can then see things in my own heart/mind/habits that need to go away, need added in, or sometimes might just need improvement in some way.
I can do little to nothing about my wife’s growth other than pray for grace, wisdom, and guidance for both of us. I can only really work on what the Holy Spirit shows me that I need to work on myself… once I can see it.
I’m sorry y’all have to see all of the complaining, whining, negative side of things but it sure does help me when I can get it off my chest and out of the way. Thank you for letting me vent
@Pa’dam – It can be a painfully slow process, with plenty of failures. But it’s worth it!
Amen!