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In yesterday’s post, I said, “If it makes her happy, that’s a good enough reason to ‘put up’ with it.” When I recorded the podcast and spoke that, I wondered what any woman who heard it might think about the idea of their husband “putting up with” something she enjoys.
I said it mostly in jest, but putting up with things is an important part of a good marriage.
If I won’t do or go along with things I don’t enjoy, that makes me rather unloving, doesn’t it? If my wife and I only did what we both enjoy, that would limit us. And if we only do what I enjoy, that makes me a horrible person.
Gladly going along with things we would never choose to do on our own is loving. Not complaining about our wife purchasing things she enjoys that we would never “waste” money on makes us generous. Love is all about the other person, about their happiness, enjoyment, and preferences. Love doesn’t do this in a quid pro quo manner, keeping score. It delights in being able to make room for the one they love. Of course this needs to be done by both spouses, but if you’re not all about doing it even when she’s falling short, something is wrong.
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Within reason, this is sound advice.
However, like anything, it can be taken to the extreme. When her interests take all the oxygen out of the relationship, or bust the budget, or ultimately are a source of resentment, then it’s a problem.
Just as we would tell men. If the guy has a golf outing with the guys once a month and the money comes from his discretionary “allowance” the agreed upon, it’s probably not a problem.
On the other hand, if he’s out both Saturday and Sunday, every weekend and manages to get in a game during the week as well, but hasn’t taken her out since Valentine’s Day and the credit cards are maxed out, he’s probably gone too far with his interest.
It’s gone from interest to being the primary focus (obsession maybe) in his life.
An interest (for him or her) is one thing. An obsession that replaces the relationship and exceeds all agreed upon boundaries is unhealthy and will destroy the relationship no matter who is engaged in it.
It can even seem noble, like raising children, or work, or volunteering at the church, and so on.
If it causes resentment, it’s unlikely to be good for the marriage.