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I’m having more and more conversations with couples who are or soon will be caring for ageing parents. Lori and I walked this path, so I know what it involves. It can be a lot of work, and there is a cost to each of you and to your marriage.
I’m big on honouring our parents, and caring for them when they can no longer live alone is part of that. But I’m not saying you have to do that, and in some situations I know it’s a bad plan. If a parent is abusive or has medical problems beyond your ability to meet, then something else must be done. Beyond that, you must balance the needs of the parent with your needs as a couple and your children’s needs. Some degree of sacrifice is right and good. Destruction of your marriage or harm to your children are not.
When my mom needed it, we were in an excellent place to care for her. I owned my own business, so I could be somewhat flexible, and could reduce my work load. Lori was an at home mom, and our son was homeschooled. Our house was far too small, but mom’s was large enough for us to move in. On the other hand, my mother-in-law lived two days away by car. Lori let her know we would take care of her, but she would have to move to us. In the end, Lori’s sister, who was single, moved to take care of her.
My reason for this post is to encourage you to talk with your wife about this now, even if the issue seems years down the road. Decide what you’re both willing to do, and what you’re not. Talk about how you would do it, and how it would affect your life, your marriage, and your kids. Set boundaries and limits when there are no strong emotions in the mix. Then, when a parent needs care, you can do what you have already decided to do.
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