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I was discussing weight loss with a friend who is also working to become less than he is. He commented he thinks he has the opposite of anorexia; he knows he has a good bit of weight to lose, but when he looks in the mirror, he doesn’t see it.
It is interesting, in a rather disturbing way, that our brain can distort what we see when we look at ourselves. If our minds can fool us about how our bodies look, something we should be able to confirm or deny by looking in the mirror, how much more can it fool us about thoughts, feelings, and actions?
You think you’ve been kind and loving to your wife today – but your mind might be hiding things from you. She thinks she was respectful to you when you were out together, but her mind might be distorting things. When the two of you perceive something differently, it’s possible you are both wrong!
Anyone who works with couples quickly learns there are three versions of any interaction between a husband and wife; his version, her version, and what really happened. Which spouse is closer to reality can be difficult (or impossible) to determine. Additionally, our brains distort some things more than others, so sometimes he is close to reality while she’s not in the same zip code, and other times she is close, and he misses it by a mile. We all have areas where we are reality challenged.
The best thing you can do is accept the fact that your brain distorts things, and you can’t perceive the distortion because the mind you use to judge it is the mind causing the distortion. Accept that sometimes you’re closer to reality, sometimes your wife is closer, and there is no way you can know, much less prove, you’re right and she’s whacked! Even a third party may not be much help if they must rely on one or both of you relaying your perception. Sometimes it’s helpful to describe an event as simply as possible to a friend. If you can keep your perspective out of it, they may see something you can’t.
To work on such things as a couple, ask your wife to describe what she thinks is going on, and then do the same from your perspective. This will show you the difference, but it doesn’t help you know if either of you is close to reality. Ongoing discussion and trying to see things as your spouse sees them will help. Even if you don’t see it as she does, if you can learn to know how she will see certain things, you can work to avoid bad situations. Find different ways to do and express things. Look for ways of speaking and acting the two of you perceive closer to the same way. This is far more helpful, and far less aggravating, than endlessly arguing about who has a monopoly on reality.
[This post first appeared June 13, 2012.]
Image Credit: © Ljupco Smokovski | stock.adobe.com
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Amen. I know there have been times when my perception was off but seemed right (there is a way which seemeth right to a man…) but ended up being wrong. Sometimes I have been close to the truth but not quite there. Other times I have been perplexed at just how differently I had perceived things than what had actually happened.
What worries me is that sometimes I can also see this happening with my wife but she has yet to acknowledge it, even when shown proof of reality. She tends to just move on for the time being and a few times has later denied ever having expressed her original erroneous view. On one hand it’s nice that she can adjust to seeing reality as it is. I wish we could all do that. It’s the fact that she can’t seem to acknowledge having had a skewed view of reality to begin with that concerns me.
To compound that, I am finding that the further we get from my past mistakes, sins, addictions, and otherwise bad decisions, the worse they get. Plus they never seem to get any further in the past. I’m hearing about her struggles to deal with things I did that I not only don’t recall doing (a major concussion around that time has rendered my memories of that time and before fuzzy and sometimes inaccessible [no, my wife did not give me said concussion, though I’m sure she wanted to many times]) but things that I don’t recall her ever mentioning in the many times we have rehashed my sins as we worked on our relationship over the years.
Also, she recently reasoned that she guessed it shouldn’t be such a mystery that she isn’t past struggling with it yet since it still has been less than even the minimum time professionals estimate it will take. The minimum I know about is two years. It’s been almost that long since the last major revelation that we needed to work through, FAR longer since we started the recovery process.
I’m giving this all to the Lord. I could never deal with the unknowns and fear on my own. I firmly believe that the enemy of our souls is reminding her over and over of my past sins and adding to them whenever we start making progress. She seemed to take offense when I mentioned once that the enemy will be fighting to keep us from moving on and healing. I don’t know what more I can do except the best thing I can do. Pray, give it all to the Lord, and ask my brothers in my support group to pray for us, too. Well, that and occasionally vent on here anonymously.
I’m sorry if this was too much. It’s really been weighing on me lately.
@Pa’dam – So sorry for the struggle. Are you and your wife getting ongoing professional help?
Thank you, sir. Sadly, we are not at present. Our counselor has more clients than he can keep up with and has helped us as far as his qualifications and skills could (his words, not ours). We also have more things drawing on our finances than we can keep up with to the point that my wife has decided it is time for her to return to the work force (now that our kids are older) to help ends meet. So we can’t afford to start over with someone new and it’s a moot point as my wife has told me that she can’t go through the process of getting to know and trust a new counselor, especially can’t go through bringing them up to speed on everything we’ve gone through (her final word on in the idea is, “I just can’t…and we don’t have the money anyway”). I have suggested it anyway a few times but her position remains unchanged and I haven’t found a good way to come up with the money even if she were willing.
She believes that we are at a point where we just need time to heal and it will all get better with time or it won’t and further counseling won’t change it. Frankly, considering that she only trusts counselors who hold the same views we were raised with, particularly regarding sexuality, I’m not sure they actually would help any more from where we are.
I know my perspective will be biased but from where I’m standing, what we really need next is a counselor/coach with a healthy and much more Biblical view on the marriage bed. I have suggested that a sex therapist/counselor might be helpful but that was not a popular suggestion. She is not open to that kind of help. I think it’s largely because in her mind I am the one who is broken in that department, not her. She says that once the relationship has healed, the sexual side will sort itself out. And that was as far as she has been willing to go with that discussion.
I know it may sound like I am as unwilling to get further counseling as my wife. The truth is, with her unwilling to consider anyone who would challenge her views on what God says about sex, I’m not sure if it would help. That being said, I have actively searched for good counseling options near us and even online but I have found basically nothing that we could afford nor close enough to work with us. I have looked. I have asked. I even asked the VA if they could help but it never gets beyond them saying that they will see what they can do.
Then again, my wife has studied psychology with an emphasis on counseling and seems feel that counselors wouldn’t have anything significant to offer beyond what she already knows. That’s not just me speculating. She has said almost exactly that.
I don’t know, I’m kind of rambling here. I guess I should leave it at that for now