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Our minds make connections all the time, helping us understand and function in our world. Many of these connections are subconscious, but that doesn’t mean they’re unimportant. If we’re not consciously aware of a connection, we can’t choose to ignore it, and this makes subconscious connections powerful.
One type of connection our minds makes is based on what is expected from particular surroundings – such as a specific room. Sleep experts have long suggested you limit what you do in your bedroom so that your mind doesn’t connect the bedroom with anything exciting or active – things that could interfere with sleep.
I would like to propose that where we have stressful discussions matters in the same way. You and your wife might connect the stress with the room. If you “fight” or argue in your bedroom, you’re making connections that could be a problem when you want to relax together, talk lovingly, snuggle, or be sexual. If you want to keep your bedroom a place for intimacy of all forms, maybe you should find some place else for stressful interactions.
Lori and I stumbled on something along these lines when we were first married and having frequent stressful interactions. We put a love seat in our bedroom, and did all the heavy talking there. When we moved to the bed, we were done, no more arguing, discussing, probing questions, or hard thinking. This really helped us a great deal. I think another room is even better, but if you can’t manage it, try a love seat or a couple of chairs.
[This post first appeared June 01, 2012.]
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