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Last week, I pointed to a study on how self-expansion can improve sex for a couple. Today I want to dig into that concept.
Self-expansion theory says that when we spend time with people we like, we become more like them. Our relationships change and shape our identities and perspectives. And these changes are a good thing. People who expand and grow throughout their lives are more satisfied with their lives. We crave self-expansion, and we like those who offer us a chance to do it.
As you might guess, a desire for self-expansion can be at the root of an affair. The excitement of being with the other person includes that they are different and as such give us a chance for self-expansion. The self-expansion might well be the cause of an affair, because of how it makes us feel about the other person draws us to them.
Both as a protective measure and to improve your marriage, you want to offer your wife the chance for self-expansion. To do that you have to learn, share, and do new things as a couple.
So yeah, self-expansion makes for being happier with our lives and our spouses. But it goes even further. When a couple engages in self-expression together, it causes them to feel closer, and that creates greater sexual desire for each other. Coupes who self-expand together desire each other more, and enjoy sex more. One study found that greater self-expansion lead to an increase in drive for women who have been diagnosed with clinically low sexual desire.
If this sounds like a lot of work you just can’t fit into your schedule, fear not. One study found that it only took ninety minutes a week doing new things to have the desired effect. What you do is up to you. Starting a garden together would work. You could start going to a comedy club from time to time, learn a language together, take dance lessons, or take up hiking. You could try reading together a book unlike what you usually read, or doing an in-depth study of some biblical concept. Making new friends, as a couple, or working together at a non-profit would also be good. And of course sex itself can lead to self-expression.
Further reading:
- Self-expansion is associated with greater relationship and sexual well-being for couples coping with low sexual desire
- Broadening your horizons: Self-expanding activities promote desire and satisfaction in established romantic relationships
- Effects of an intervention designed to enhance romantic relationship excitement: A randomized-control trial
- Novel sexual behavior and relationship quality (link to PDF dowload)
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What does ‘self expansion’ mean?
@Anon: The self-expansion model proposes that individuals seek to expand their sense of self by acquiring resources, broadening their perspectives, and increase competency to ultimately optimize their ability to thrive in their environment. ~ Wikipedia