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I suggested on Monday that you ask your wife what you could do that would speak love to her. And then be all about doing those things.
But what if most of the things she suggested are a lot of work, or would cost money you don’t have, or are things that don’t come naturally to you?
For what it’s worth, if you said anything about sex, odds are she is feeling you have given her a difficult task. And just as you would like her to make a solid effort, you need to do the same for her.
If cost is an issue, then you need to discuss money. If it really matters to her, what is she willing to give up to save the money needed? Likewise, if what she wants will take you a lot of time and effort; what is she willing to have you cut back on to make the time you require?
I would also recommend you consider what’s behind what she asked for. If she wants you to do major house fix up, is it because she’s embarrassed at how the house looks, or is it about functionality? Either of these can probably be initially addressed in ways short of what she has asked for. If you show you care and make steps in the right direction, that will speak love to her.
If what she asked is difficult because it’s not how you think or naturally act, then please do what it takes to change, so you do those things. Just the way you want her to do for you!
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I’m trying, sir. I truly am trying. It often seems that the list contains things that fit one or more of the traits you listed, sometimes all of them, and that it is never ending. That leaves me overwhelmed at the impossibility of making a significant dent in it. Beyond that my wife usually seems to be completely unaware of the efforts I make, which is downright demoralizing.
Then at random, she will set her frustration, depression, anxiety aside for a bit and tell me that she sees the changes I’ve made. It’s usually vague, just like that, which kind of buoys my spirit a little but in an untethered way that leaves me uncertain. I will feel grateful for the positive reinforcement but unsure of which of the myriad of exhausting, soul draining efforts made it onto her radar.
Once in a while, she will be more specific about what I’ve done that she appreciates. That really helps. I’m usually embarrassed by the praise and often stick my foot in my mouth trying to respond appropriately. I’m not very good at gracefully accepting gratitude or praise and my efforts are probably part of why it doesn’t happen more often. I do try, however.
I know I struggle to adequately express my own gratitude to my wife. I try and often to let her know how much I appreciate the many things she does. Sometimes I can tell that she is looking for gratitude for something she has worked hard and sacrificed time/energy/sleep to accomplish and I try to express my gratitude for her efforts. Except that quite often it is something that holds meaning for her and she feels it important while I would much rather that she invest that effort into something else, since what she just put so much effort into isn’t high on my priority list but other things were neglected that ARE high priority for me and would have required much less effort. In truth, sometimes I see her exhaustion and just wish she would stop and rest instead.
I think she can sense that I am less grateful for what she has actually done than befits the effort and sacrifice she put into it and is hurt by that. I try to focus on the heart behind the sacrifice and be grateful for that. That just isn’t acceptable to her, it seems.
Still, I am trying to find the translation between her love language and priorities and mine. I want her to understand how much I love her. I want to communicate it in a way that is clear to her. I fear I have neither the time or energy to make that happen but Lord willing, I’ll get there.
@Pa’dam – It just shouldn’t be so hard! And yet it often is. You have my prayers.
Thank you, sir. I truly appreciate it. It’s a sad reality of the world we live in that it is sometimes difficult. The fall’s results on our natures often combined with lies and misinformation the enemy has carefully whispered in our ears until they become a part of our worldview. Part of my walk with the Lord at this leg of the journey is trying to listen carefully for His prompting as I read and study His Word and other resources available so that I can begin to untangle truth from lie. I believe my wife is doing much the same. It’s a long slow process but I trust the Lord to lead us along as we are able to follow.
An instructor once said that he thinks of education as a series of decreasing lies, meaning that we accept a little more truth at a time to displace our misconceptions. I’m not a fan of the perspective that takes but I feel he has a point. We all have some degree of misconception or assumption to fill in where knowledge is lacking, much as our vision fills in the blind center based on the view we do have. Sometimes we aren’t far off the mark. Other times we are nowhere near the truth. This is what he perceives as the lies that decrease as we fill in the blind spots with actual truth.
The reality is that we can only grasp a little more truth at a time.
When my son once asked me to explain fluid dynamics and aerodynamics to him, I initially gave a grossly oversimplified answer I was confident he could understand. My kids have enough of their mother in them to be quite intelligent and he immediately understood that I was leaving a lot of detail out, so he asked for more. I tried to find an answer that would fill in more without overwhelming him but I missed that mark. I could tell because his eyes glazed over and he dropped the subject.
Knowing my children and their intelligence, I know that they could understand as fully as I do and probably more but there was a lot of in between information they didn’t have yet. What I gave was too much to handle all at once and he gave up.
The Lord knows that we can only grasp a little more truth at a time without being overwhelmed and missing large parts of it. I get frustrated at times by how slowly I learn and grow but I know that the Lord knows my limits far better than I do. I know my wife has expressed similar frustration with her own growth rate.
So, I continue to do my best and to hold onto the faith that it will all come right eventually. When I am ready to learn a better way, the Lord will lead me to it. When my wife is ready to learn more, the Lord will lead her as well.
And in the meantime, I pour out my mental and emotional overflow to you and others who will pray for us. I know I probably make these comments far too long and follow rabbit trails a lot but I find it cathartic and an effective way of sorting through everything. So I am sorry if I overwhelm but I do greatly appreciate the wisdom you share and especially the prayer.
@Pa’dam – I think decreasing lies is an accurate way of describing it! I can see that in my life even now.
I don’t always comment on what you say, but I do read it.
Oh dear. I really appreciate the comments when you do. I definitely don’t expect you to respond to all of my comments. Frankly I have somewhat mixed feelings about knowing that you slog through all of my brain dumps/emotional dumps. It’s one thing to vent and type out my thoughts and feelings knowing someone might read some of it here and there. It’s quite another to know that it isn’t just the odd comment.
On one hand, I really appreciate it and it gives me a sense of value that someone cares enough to do that. It also means that you have a fuller picture of what I am working through, if probably confusing and overwhelming.
On the other hand, I kind of cringe at just how long my comments can be. The image of you forcing yourself to slog through my long rants until your eyes are tired and your head hurts is …cringeworthy.
I guess what I’m trying to say in my characteristicly verbose fashion is, I’m sorry and yet THANK YOU SO MUCH! I’m overwhelmed! I’m sure you are too but still, Thank you!
@Pa’dam – It’s what I do, and it’s not a sacrifice. I pray I can make some difference for you.
You do, sir, and I thank you.