Friday Flashback: Strategies for Dealing with Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics

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This is a follow-up to Crisis and drama and arguments, OH MY! What if you see the problem, and you are trying to end it, but your wife won’t stop? Worse yet, what if you’re stopping just makes her more upset? I generally agree with the statement it takes two to fight, but there are folks out there who could have a fight with someone in a coma! Here are a few common tactics of such people, and some ideas to deal with them:

• Yelling: You try to be calm, and she yells. You try to end a fight, and she yells. You try to walk away, and she yells! Yelling is effective because it triggers our fight or flight instinct. You feel a need to reply to her accusations and defend against what she says. Thing is, doing this is buying back into the cycle you’re trying to escape. The marriage loses as soon as you give in, no matter how the ensuing fight goes.
  Solution: Let her know you’re not going to talk with her when she is yelling or ranting. Yes, she will yell about it when you tell her, and she will likely yell even more for a while. She will test you; she will try to break you. Ignore her; walk away if necessary. If she refuses to stop after a week or two, it shows you the situation is serious, and you need to get help.
• Obstruction: Another response to withdrawing from the drama game is refusing to do things or blocking things, either actively or passively. This is, “If you won’t play my game, I won’t do anything.” If she’s desperate, she may take this even further, and you will be tempted to give in to get her to back off. This will be especially tempting when you’re tired, or the situation is critical. You might also want to give in to keep her from looking bad to others.
  Solution: Again, if you play, you both lose. However, it may be more difficult to ignore this one. You have to be steadfast; do what is right, no matter what she does. Act as you would act if she were reasonable, then modify as necessary based on her behaviour. Do what you must for yourself and the children. Don’t protect her if her choices cause friends to think badly of her – let her deal with the natural consequences of her actions.
• Emotional Blackmail: This is more subtle than the others. The “attack” may not be directly tied to anything you do or don’t do. She withholds affection, refuses to talk to you, is always too tired for sex, or becomes uninterested in doing things the two of you always enjoyed doing together. What it boils down to is she doesn’t like the change you’ve made, and she’s going to punish you to get you to change back. Odds are, she will deny she’s doing it. Trying to prove she’s doing it just gives her the drama/crisis she wants. Retaliating by doing the same to her also gives her what she wants.
  Solution: Again, if you let her actions affect your choices, the marriage loses. Giving in once in a while, say because you just have to have sex, or you need her to go to a family event and be nice, is asking for more of the same. If her tactics work, even occasionally, she has good reason to keep doing it. Accept that this is your current reality, and work to make the best of it. Do your best to give her grace and love, even though she is likely to react by being even worse to you.

What I’ve suggested here is difficult, but it’s the best (and probably only) way to get past what’s happening. This is fighting for your marriage by NOT fighting! You can’t do these things forever, but we can go far longer than we think – especially if we are walking with the Lord.

It may be helpful to consider why she’s doing what she’s doing. As bad as things were before, she understood it, and on some level, it worked for her. Change is scary. If she needs to feel in control, your unilaterally changing things means she’s not in control. Not being in control feels unsafe. Ultimately, the question is this: is she acting out because of fear, or is she just deeply selfish? The first can be dealt with; the second is far more difficult. If it’s fear, standing firm while loving her and trying to give her a safe place will most likely bring about a change in her behaviour. If she’s acting out of selfishness, she will only change if it seems to her to be in her best interest to do so.

One spouse can unilaterally start change, but both have to work at it for a real fix. Sometimes one can change it enough to be able to live with it, but not always. Sometimes the changes made by one spouse make the other uncomfortable enough they’re willing to try something different. If you see any willingness to change, I suggest trained third-party help – this kind of thing goes much better with an impartial third-party.

A personal note: While Lori and I have not gone down this road, I do have first-hand experience. I dated, and thought about marrying, a young woman who was all about drama. When I stopped playing, it got ugly. She threatened to break things I cared about, and I said it would not get her what she wanted. She did things expecting me to cover for her (as I always had), and I didn’t cover for her. She tried to manipulate me with sex, and I managed to resist. She even hinted at suicide. I didn’t think she was serious, and I told her such talk was a sure way to get me to leave her. Ultimately, she broke up with me. I don’t think she felt she could live in a relationship she couldn’t control. While it was a heart-wrenching time for me, I’m glad I did not end up married to her. I learned from it, and I made sure to avoid such women moving forward.

I share this so you know I have some idea how hard it is to do this. I wasn’t married to the woman, and it was still extremely painful and difficult. What kept me going was knowing how it had been would lead to a horrible marriage – for both of us. I was ready to lose her if it was the only option other than a horrible marriage. I suspect prevailing with this in a marriage means being willing to have her divorce you. If she finds the threat of divorce gives her control over you, all is lost. Ironically, being willing to end in divorce may well reduce the changes of it happening.

[This post first appeared May 24, 2012.]

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