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Every so often, some fellow drops a comment here saying that women initiate the majority of divorces. The implication is that women are bad, men are good, and the great number of divorces we have are women’s fault. Of course, stating a valid statistic and then tacking on an unproven explanation for why it’s so is hardly proof of anything.
A couple of years ago over on the XY Code, I told the ladies that, “Men tend to have a higher tolerance for a poor marriage than women.” I also told them men will put up with a bad marriage far longer than their wife, and will put up with a worse marriage than she will tolerate. The reason most divorces are filed by women is they reach the end of their tolerance before their husband.
It’s long been known that married men live longer. This is true even in a bad marriage. Women in a good marriage live longer than single women, but women in a bad marriage don’t live as long as single women. It’s also been shown that a bad marriage is physically and mentally more harmful for a woman.
To be blunt, a lot of women divorce their husband because he’s an insensitive jerk – or something worse. Sure, some women get divorces for petty reasons or because they fall for someone else, but both of these are uncommon.
I told the ladies that this tolerance difference puts them at a disadvantage because their husband’s higher tolerance means he is less motivated to work on marital problems. However, there is another side of that, which matters to you. If you want to keep your marriage good, you have to work harder than your wife, because she won’t put up with as much as you will. And worse case, she will walk out on a bad marriage you’re still willing to put up with.
You can make any judgment you like about women from this. But if you want to stay married and have a good marriage, I suggest you instead judge yourself as a husband.
BTW, a wife’s lower tolerance for a bad marriage can be a major reason why she has no interest in sex. The minimum marriage quality she needs to desire you sexually is higher than the minimum you need to desire her.
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Paul,
I am real disappointed in this post and your judgement on husbands. You make your point that some man makes a comment that most divorces are initiated by women (which is true) and then call men whose wives divorce them insensitive jerks as reason for the divorce. Where is your data? You then also say that men have to work harder to keep their marriage good. Marriage is supposed to be “two becoming one” and that does mean both work together to make the marriage work; you statement makes the familiar claim that men have to do all the work to appease the wife and that women are not accountable for their actions and part in the marriage.
Men do have a high tolerance to stay in a bad marriage; it is not reaching the end of the tolerance rope. It is because the western civilization court system (a human institution) penalizing men in every way for the end of the marriage and does not hold women accountable for the demise of the marriage.
Do better on your part in addressing the real issue of failing marriages; both husband and wife having to work together (100%/100%) in improving and strengthen the marriage and having God in the central of their marriage bond. Stop blaming men as the focal point of destruction; women are just as accountable in the marriage as men. Women can be insensitive jerks if not worse.
@Lendon Ray Calhoun – The data is there, but not in a neat, easy package. Talk to marriage consolers and divorce lawyers, and you will hear the same. On the other side, where is the proof that women divorce for other reasons? The fact they initiate most divorces proves NOTHING.
I have dealt with couples where I would put the divorce primarily at the wife’s feet. It does happen. But I’ve talked to a lot of people with a good deal of experience, and this is the exception.
Can we please not drag out the false claim that women divorce because the courts favour them? Women have filed most divorces since long before one could claim this. Even today, women with kids who divorce are worse off than their husbands. Divorce hurts women more, courts notwithstanding.
What I’ve said is not fair. But it is reality. Each person can make their choice what they want to do. If a man cared about his marriage, he needs to do what his wife needs. Likewise, if a woman cares about her marriage. But if he will put up with less than she will, then there he has to do more.