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I have observed couples who seem to need constant turmoil in their marriage. I doubt any of these couples would say they desire the turmoil, but when you see it happen for months or years, it becomes obvious at least one is doing things to make it happen. Usually the other spouse enables or puts up with the drama. I’ve learned there’s not much you can do for a couple like this, and they will drag you into the drama if you let them.
What I don’t understand is why individuals/couples do this. My wife suggests it is all about being the centre of attention – any attention, even negative attention, is better than being ignored. I see kids do that, so it’s possible – but really? Another possibility is the couple uses made up issues to allow them to vent frustrations and anger from relationship issues they’re afraid to discuss.
Regardless of why it happens, it never gets anyone what he or she really wants. More often than not, it ends in divorce after many miserable years. Other times it ends in living together as little more than roommates who rarely interact. It can change, and a good marriage can come out of it, but only if one person decides they will no longer play any part in perpetuating the drama.
If your marriage is like this, please know it can change. Determine you will no longer do anything to create drama, crisis, or useless arguments. Decide you will gently and kindly refuse to participate if your wife starts any of those things. Supplement this by looking for ways to give her positive attention so she won’t feel the need to create negative attention.
The initial reaction to change is usually negative, even if the change is good, so don’t be surprised if your actions are received with disapproval. Just keep at it – fight for something better.
Hat Tip: This post was inspired in part by a post on Seth’s Blog: The endless emergency of politics
[This post first appeared May 22, 2012.]
Image Credit: © fizkes | stock.adobe.com
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