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I had an email recently thanking me for not having the common “marriage ministry philosophy” that the man is wrong because he is a beast who needs to be tamed. The specific comment was about sex, but it made me think of a bigger problem I see in parts of the marriage ministry world; the idea the man is always wrong and if he would just get it right, his marriage would be fine. The corollary to this is anything a wife is doing wrong is his fault, and as soon as he gets it together, she will immediately change.
I know it sounds crazy, and anything but biblical, but it’s out there. I went several rounds with a fellow who teaches this, and has a book which says the same thing. The reason this couple teaches this is their marriage was this way; his changing did fix everything. The thing is, not every marriage is like their marriage. In fact, I would say very few are. Occasionally it’s almost entirely the man, occasionally it’s almost entirely the woman. Most of the time, they each have things that need to be dealt with. Any change either spouse makes may precipitate change by the other, but it does not guarantee the spouse will change. What’s more, if they do change, it may not be for the better. If the husband is the vast majority of the problem, a book about the husband being the problem will help. If both have things to deal with, a book that blames all marriage issues on him won’t help, and will likely make things worse. If the wife is the vast majority of the problem, a book that puts it all on him will make things much worse!
The “it’s always the man’s fault” approach is a result of the “one size fits all” method of dealing with things. I’ve seen well-meaning people do a lot of harm because they assume everyone is like they are, or were, and everyone’s problems are the same as theirs. It would make things easy, but it’s not true! Stay away from anyone who has one size fits all answers for marriage difficulties. Same for anyone who has a “guaranteed fix”. These things will work for some, but not for all, and they will make things worse for many.
By the way, this applies to anything I say. Often I give a bit of advice that will work for most, but very few things are universally true in the area of marriage. I’d say 10% to 20% of what I share here I don’t do in my own marriage because it wouldn’t work or isn’t the best option. My wife is unique, as am I, which makes our marriage unique. In many areas, we are “average” and common solutions work well. However, like all couples, there are places where we’re not normal, and the normal solutions won’t work, or won’t work well.
The bottom line: You must be a student of your wife. If you’re not sure about something, try it gently, and see how it goes. Just because something worked for another couple doesn’t mean it will work for you. Even more importantly, just because something did not work for you does not mean there’s no solution.
Image Credit: © Antonioguillem | stock.adobe.com
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[This post first appeared May 8, 2012.]
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