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Another of ChatGPT’s article topics for making a heterosexual man a better husband. Today, Conflict Resolution in Marriage: Tips for a Happier Relationship.
When you mix two imperfect people with their own failings and preferences, conflict is a given. Having conflict says nothing about your marriage. How you deal with it is what matters. And first, that means you must deal with it. Those who just ignore it are adding fuel to a fire that will burn their marriage to the ground if they put it off too long.
I’ve read that yelling when you fight is not necessarily destructive. Some couples scream at each other from time to time and have a great marriage. However, it’s a problem when one spouse finds screaming to be disrespectful or can’t handle it emotionally. Neither Lori nor I would deal well with yelling. But if you and your wife are both okay with it, it’s not something you need to fix.
According to John Gottman, about two-thirds of relationship problems are unsolvable. That number seems high to me, but I respect and trust his research. Regardless of what percent it is, every marriage has difficulties that will never be resolved. Those who accept this fact will do far better than those who do not. If you can’t solve an issue, don’t waste time trying. Instead, find ways to manage it.
For example, let’s say one spouse is routinely late and never calls. This causes worry and scheduling problems for the other spouse. If it becomes obvious the tardy spouse won’t change, get a location app on their phone. Then the other spouse can see where they are, if they are moving (as opposed to dead in a ditch), and how long it will be till they get home. This eliminates worry, and allows the other spouse to wait or leave without them based on where they are.
Some issues can be solved by compromise. The danger here is both end up being unhappy with the solution. I think it’s better to go mostly the way of the person who feels more strongly about the issue. As long a some issues go her way and some go his, this may result in both being happier than they would be with a lot of halfway compromises.
Finally, while it’s important to deal with stuff, trying to do that ASAP isn’t always the best plan. Some folks need time to work through things, and some need time to cool off. Beyond that, choose your time well. Don’t try to resolve things when one of you is hungry or tired, and make sure you won’t be interrupted. Often waiting a few hours or days will result in far less arguing and an easier time reaching a resolution.
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It strikes me that one thing I’ve seen neglected in conflict resolution is the need in many cases for repentance. For example, a person who is habitually late is in effect saying “everyone else’s time is subject to my whims. Everyone else will wait for me.” That’s basic selfishness.
And that might need the resolution for where Gottman et al suggest some things can’t be solved. Well, yes, apart from one person deciding he was wrong/in sin, it can’t. But with repentance, it’s eminently solvable.
@Bike Bubba – I agree that is what it seems they think. But I doubt it is how most always late folks think or feel. And that’s the problem.
I had friends who did missionary work in Trinidad. They said if a wedding was at 2 NO ONE was there before 2:30, and most were well after 3. It was “island time”, and none of the locals had an issue with it.