Podcast: Download
Subscribe RSS
I want to talk about the so-called orgasm gap today. This is a tricky issue since most of the studies about it are poorly done in one way or another. For example, it’s known that a woman in a relationship is six times more likely to orgasm than if she hooks up. And yet in many studies, the relationship status is not part of the calculations. We also know that orgasm is far more common for women as they get older. But many studies are about college age folks, or include a disproportionate number of such people. All of this skews the numbers – a lot. The orgasm gap for twentysomethings having casual sex is significantly greater than for middle-age married couples.
Beyond that, a lot of “research” is being done by folks with an axe to grind. One report I read said, “One of the reigning myths that helps maintain the orgasm gap is that there are inherent gender differences for why men and women have sex.” The reality is, there is plenty of well done science that shows there are gender differences about this. I don’t see how denying reality is helping anyone.
All of that said, the orgasm gap is real, and it does exist in marriage. Some think that is because women just don’t care about sex as much as men, but there is growing evidence this is not the case. (I’m working on a few posts about that.) But the perception that sex is less important to women is part of the problem. Some women don’t push for orgasm because they have bought the lies.
So what can a loving husband do to close the orgasm gap in his marriage?
The 2009 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior found women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts, and especially when oral sex is included. But it wasn’t just that those other things were getting her off. If those other things happened, some women were more likely to orgasm during intercourse.
You have probably heard that most women can’t come for intercourse alone. This is more or less true. When we look at middle-age women in long term relationships, we find that about half sometimes climax from intercourse with no added stimulation. A few find it easy to do that every time, others may struggle to come or only do so occasionally. If your wife finds it easy and consistent, great. If not, you need to do more for her.
Oral sex is a great way to give your wife an orgasm, and it should always be on the menu. It’s also excellent foreplay. So it might be foreplay one time and the way she comes another time; and both of those are good. A vibrator is also a good way to ensure she comes. Learn how to use a vibe to drive her wild, and to finish her off when that is what she wants. You can also put a small vibe between your bodies during intercourse. This is the only way some women will come from intercourse, and others will find it makes for much better orgasms.
When you have sex, I suggest you ask her something like “How do you want to come today” and then do what she wants. And of course, she is encouraged to change her mind along the way. If your mouth or a vibe gets her going, she may decide she wants to ride you, or have you ride her. Knowing you will gladly give her what she needs to come will help her a great deal.
A post worth reading:
The Hero Husband Project | The #1 Reason You’re Not Getting the Physical Intimacy You Want (and How to Fix It)◄ More on making sex work for her.
Image Credit: © paulcannoby | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
I looked around at some of the studies. To me, they ignore many variables that may either enhance or diminish the likelihood a woman will orgasm before she even gets into bed. The most obvious one that will lower my chances is feeling sleep deprived. Yet women are told that is not a reason to turn down sex. Other variables could include the part of the menstrual cycle a woman is in, general health, emotional stress, or where she is at in the journey of having children.
I think it is really important that husbands talked to their wives about what those factors may be. And to understand that Mary may have a different list of variables than Jane. I think the research is interesting but ignores that we are all created just a little bit differently. And I don’t know that what comes out of these research findings is a one size fits all sort of advice that supersedes what an individual woman tells us about her sexuality.
At the end of the day we still don’t know if Mary’s physiology is just a little bit different than Jane’s and if that changes how she experiences her sexuality. Are there processes, or a combination of processes going on that we have yet to identify that affect female sexuality? I think that there are.
I have had intermittent unexplained nausea with some other symptoms for a while. Have yet to find out an exact cause, despite having some blood tests and an an upper GI endoscopy to rule out celiac disease. Everything was “normal”. I don’t have celiac disease, and my point is that despite modern medicine there is still a lot we don’t know—whether it be about digestion or sexuality.
I’m curious what you mean by some women don’t push for orgasm because they have bought the lies. What lies are those? In my opinion if a woman doesn’t push for orgasm it is because she has a pretty good idea based on prior experience that it won’t happen. Her body is like a very cold engine in winter that won’t start. Trying for orgasm in these circumstances is unpleasant and futile.
@Denise – Agreed. I’ve yet to see one I could call excellent. The “problem” with much of what you said is it’s not the same for men and women, and many are trying to deny any gender difference.
The lies that women don’t really need sex, or orgasm. If they do come, that’s nice. If they don’t, it’s no big deal. I think that is true for some women some times, but I fear others accept this because they think it’s so – and for them, it is not. Or she has been told she should get there in ten minutes or forget it. Some women can orgasm every time, and be glad they did, but will never make it in ten minutes.