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Most of us have had some problem with our in-laws, and most wives have had some problems with their husband’s family of origin. A certain amount of friction is to be expected – and to be tolerated. However, when the issues are significant, it can harm your marriage.
First, let me suggest you not downplay your wife’s complaints about your family – especially your parents. Unless you know she is negative by nature about the vast majority of people, assume her perspective is valid. Also assume her hurt feelings are not hyped up. Realise you have a couple of decades of dealing with your family, and she doesn’t. You understand them better, and if they are difficult you learned to cope and ignore because you had no choice. Even if your dad was abusive, or your mom was controlling, as a child you had to find a way to get along as best you could. Now, however, you’re an adult, as is your wife and it’s wrong to expect her to put up with bad behaviour from anyone, including especially your family.
If it got so horrible you had to either leave your family or your wife, which would you choose? Easy choice, right? What’s difficult is seeing how bad it is, and how close it is to where you should make that choice. It’s easier to downplay, excuse, ignore, and try to get your wife to do the same than to stand up for your wife like a man. Yes, there is a challenge in there – or an insult. A real man doesn’t allow his anyone to abuse his wife. What’s more, every woman understands this, and if her husband won’t stand up to his family on her behalf it substantially hurts his image in her eyes.
It’s rare for a conflict between wife and family to be horrible at first. Both are trying to make it work, and both are willing to ignore certain things at first. Usually it grows worse bit-by-bit, slowing going from uncomfortable to horrible one inch at a time. The wife often doesn’t say anything to her husband for too long, and he is typically turning a blind eye. Sometimes when a man does realise there’s a problem, his decision is to hold the line where things stand when he sees the problem. This is rarely enough, because by the time he admits the truth, things are often worse than he should have allowed in the first place. The only right thing is to reclaim ground that should not have been given up.
Dealing with this is never fun, and usually heart-wrenching. It’s not going to be easy, so accept the challenge and do what needs to be done. If you catch it early enough, you might be able to change things with a few well-chosen comments, and by coming to your wife’s defence quickly and strongly when you should. If it’s gone too far, or you have a family member who is stubborn, you’ll have to confront them. DO NOT drag your wife into this; this is not about her and your family, this is about how your family treats her. Including her makes it look like her actions are up for discussion, which should not be the case. You need to make it clear that you are with her, and if forced to choose, she wins. Be ready to follow up by limiting contact as necessary. Don’t solve this by spending time with your family without your wife – this is still picking them over her.
I know this is difficult – I had to go through it with my mother after my father died. She didn’t dislike my Lori, but she didn’t treat her as she should. I was unwilling for either of us to put up with some of the things I had put up with when I was younger. Fortunately, mom was smart enough to catch on before I had to spell it out for her. She figured out where the line was and stayed just the other side of it for the rest of her life.
[This post first appeared Apr 30, 2012.]
A post worth reading:
Shaunti Feldhahn | Rocky Finances Don’t Have to Mean a Rocky Relationship! ◄ Excellent post!
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The damage to my first marriage from this was catastrophic. My in-laws hated me from the first moment I stepped into the picture to steal their boy away from them.We were married for 27 years and not one time would my ex stand up to them. He never once, chose me over them. One of the best things I got in my divorce, was no longer being tied to them.
Also, this applies to stepchildren. I now have four adult stepchildren who hate me because I married their father. One of them will message his dad with terrible messages about me, and my husband never defends me or tells him that he won’t tolerate it. I’m just supposed to ignore it like he does. But, his refusal to stand for me hurts me deeply.
I understand that it’s hard. But, I also have children and they know that I would never allow them to speak negatively of my husband. So, they don’t. Boundaries are important!!!