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In an XY Code post entitled It’s My Job, So I’m A Failure, I mentioned that Lori tried to comfort me and failed. In fact, she had the opposite effect from what she was trying to do. This is a common issue in marriages. We do our best to help our spouse feel better when they are down or afraid, but sometimes we fail. And sometimes we just make them feel worse.
I saw an example of this the other night on a show Lori and I watched. The military man was trying to help his girlfriend deal with something very traumatic she had recently suffered. Her angry reply, as she walked away, was, “So you’re saying I should just get over it?” What she heard was stronger than what he meant, but she wasn’t wrong about what he was trying to help her to do. Another man might have been helped by what he said, and if not, he would not have been as offended.
Beyond very real gender differences, how we deal with disappointment, fear, rejection, and depression varies because of our personality, how our mind works, our past, and more. When my wife is only a bit down, humour can help her feel better. But others would see my joking as not taking their pain seriously. Some people want to be held, others don’t. Some need to talk, some need time to process internally.
Odds are, you don’t comfort your wife as well as you could. If you want to do better, have a discussion about it. Ask what she needs from you, and doesn’t want when she is down. Ask about how to help her in various situations when she feels bad. Have this discussion when she is not feeling down. After a few times of trying what you learned, ask her if you did better, and how you could refine your approach.
Image Credit: © fizkes | stock.adobe.com
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