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I wrote Sex Without Scripts over on The XY code yesterday. I want to cover some of the same ideas here, with a focus on what this could mean for you as a man, and for your marriage and sex life.
The short version is that due to Lori’s uterine tumour and the aftermath of dealing with that, we went about half a year without having intercourse. And when we started up again, she was so tight it was a problem. So, at her suggestion, we did daily penetration without thrusting. We agreed to take care of each other in other ways as desired. At 62, I found I could sometimes be inside her and not feel an overwhelming need to climax. And so some days I choose to not orgasm. I found I really liked intercourse apart from coming. I couldn’t do that day after day, but occasionally it was a very nice thing. Intercourse is intimate and connecting, and in some ways I found it even more so without climax. Lori felt similarly.
So, let me ask you, why do you seek orgasm producing sex with your wife? I recall seeing an article entitled something like, “Is It Horniness Or Loneliness”? I think it’s a fair question, at least for men over thirty. I mean, yeah, sometimes sex drive is a big part of why we seek sex, but is that always true?
If you’re young or not getting enough, the idea of intercourse without a “proper ending” probably sounds like torture to you. But how might your wife feel about it? Sex has always been about your orgasm, hasn’t it? I mean, you care about her, and you want it to be good for her too, but the reality of your sex drive has probably made your orgasm non-negotiable.
The other side of this, which I’ve mentioned before, is that we sometimes seek sex when what we really want is physical intimacy or emotional connection. The sex gets us those things, but if we seek sex rather than those things and our wife isn’t’t up for sex, we get neither sex nor what we really needed.
What might you learn if you had orgasmless intercourse a few times? How might your wife feel about sex without you expecting to come? It’s way easier for her, with no expectations or mess.
If you dare to try this, I suggest being upfront with your wife that you have no idea how it will go. The first couple of times, I’d do it morning or afternoon with the intention of some form of sex to climax at bedtime. Once you get a feel for it, you might do it the day after you had an orgasm, if you think you can go till the next day for release.
An alternative to this is to gently fondle each other’s genitals for a few minutes. The goal is not orgasm or strong arousal, just some pleasurable feelings and a sense of connection.
If you do this, you will learn to identify the various things you get from sex. You can then ask for what you want. So you might say on one occasion, “I‘d like to come, but what I really need is to be in you and then hold you tight.” And another time you could let her know you really enjoy being in her, but what you most need right now is release, any way she is willing to provide it. You might learn when you can ignore the erection you get snuggling – and when you can’t ignore it. Learn to ask yourself if you could come, or you really need to. Sometimes doing it just because you can even when you don’t need to is nice. But learning when you need it and when you don’t is a really good thing.
Most women will find this nuanced understanding of your needs much better than just presenting as horny all the time. And that will lead to a better marriage and a better sex life.
I’m not suggesting here that you stop having orgasms but keep having intercourse. There are those who recommend this, and odds are someone will comment they do it and like it. I think God made our sex drive for a reason, and that makes completely denying it is wrong. There is also growing research that shows regular ejaculations reduce the chance of prostate cancer.
BTW, my XY Code post also recommended a pelvic floor program that my wife found very helpful. You might point your wife to Pelvic Floor Strong – most women would benefit.
A post worth reading:
Knowing Her Sexually | Episode 66: How to Really Connect with Your Wife (and How Trauma Has Impacted You Both), with Brad Aldrich, LMFT ◄ How do connection, curiosity, and past trauma impact sexual intimacy in your marriage?
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I was wondering if you’d ever touch on this topic. In case you’re unaware, check out the topic of Karezza. Be aware though, you may have to filter out some porn-related material in your searches, but I have found a lot of very useful information in my searches on the subject. It really goes along with “the joy is in the journey, not the destination” mindset.
@James – I wrote about, and against, it 9 years ago – http://the-generous-husband.com/2014/02/16/eastern-sex/.
My concern is it advocates never having an orgasm. Originally, that was rooted in some eastern mysticism stuff. Today it’s based on pseudoscience. They make claims about how orgasm affects the body, some of which are less than accurate. Moreover, they claim those changes are harmful, but show no evidence to support that.
I’m all for no orgasm sex as a part of a healthy sex life. But as I said, God created our drive, and I think He intended the entire process for good. There are some well researched benefits from having orgasms. Those include physical, emotional, and relational benefits.
I’ve seen all the testimonies for Karezza. They sounds too good to be true.
Sex without orgasm can be nice. You are right, when you are younger, it would be difficult. We tried it and I really liked it. Like James mentioned, Karezza is having frequent sex, maybe daily for a few minutes, but without thrusting and getting all hot and sweaty. It is very gentle. I liked it, my wife not as much, which kind of surprised me. Us males need that orgasm too, but not every time. I loved feeling and touching my wife daily like that. It keeps you feeling so close and so good!
I’m learning to understand this idea, and put it into action.
We have moved in the direction of having different kinds of physical intimacy. On occasion, she will respond positively if I suggest we take our clothes off and have a naked cuddle with no sex. That meets my need for physical/sensual intimacy without having her feel pressured for any outcome other than a nice skin-to-skin cuddle.
Very nice!
@Robert – Nice. Well done.
One of the things that has stuck with me, is that one of the really smart marriage counselors (John & Julie Gottman? or maybe Barry & Elizabeth McCarthy? Or, maybe both of them) talk about the problem of trying to meet all of your needs for intimacy through intercourse.
The idea is that if its “intercourse or nothing” – then nothing will usually win out.
I am totally guilty of having looked at sexual intimacy that way for far, far too long.
I have started to learn, and put into action, looking for non-intercourse ways for us to have physical intimacy. A naked cuddle is intimate, and connecting and bonding. Other things can work as well.
@Robert – Oh that we were so wise when we got married! ;-)