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Last month, over on The XY Code, I talked to the ladies about being afraid to want or enjoy sex, or wanting or enjoying it “too much”. Of course, there’s more to it, as shown by a study entitled Feasibility Cues during a Sexual Encounter Impact the Strength of Heterosexual Women’s Orgasm Goal Pursuit.
When it comes to sex, most men expect to orgasm and therefore actively pursue it. However, for many women, achieving orgasm is not as easy or certain. Women require more time and energy to become aroused and to reach orgasm. In the study, women were presented with different scenarios and asked how likely they would be to pursue an orgasm in each. Women reported being less likely to pursue orgasm in a quick sexual encounter or if their partner was deemed selfish.
This may all sound odd to you, but try to put yourself into her reality. Most women don’t come every time, even if they are aroused before sex starts. What’s more, she can’t control some of what makes orgasm likely or unlikely. Additionally, most women can have sex without orgasm and not walk away feeling physically frustrated – unless they get very close and don’t come. Not trying to climax is far less annoying than trying and failing. So as odd as it seems to us, calculating her odds of having an orgasm and then going for it or not going for it based on that is a wise thing for a woman.
The data tells us if we want our wife to have an orgasm, we have to provide sex that causes her to feel it’s safe to try to come. That means being a generous lover who is all about her pleasure. It also means giving her all the time in the world. If she feels rushed, she won’t even try, and that will be that.
This is not to say you can never have a quickie. But understand you will be the only one having an orgasm. If you’re both okay with that, then go for it. If not, don’t.
One possibility is to ask for something quick now, for you, to be followed later by slower sex focused on her. Doing this means you’re not as blindingly horny later. It may also allow her to get in the mood as she looks forward to the second part. This is not for every couple, but if it works, it can be nice for both of you.
A post worth reading:
Knowing Her Sexually | Episode 67: Making Sex Pleasurable for Your Wife, with Gary Thomas ◄ More on making sex great for her.
Image Credit: © Piotr Marcinski | stock.adobe.com
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“ One possibility is to ask for something quick now, for you, to be followed later by slower sex focused on her. Doing this means you’re not as blindingly horny later.”
How I wish that were an option. My wife may occasionally agree to something quick now but not the rest. She enjoys sex and orgasms most times these days but it’s still only really a priority for her because she has learned (head knowledge mostly) that I need it for our relationship to be healthy. If I’ve had something to take the edge off, that’s enough in her mind, even if it isn’t even really enough for me. The fact that she got nothing out of it doesn’t usually even factor into it. I can ask for more later but it typically won’t happen any sooner than if we had a long session where we both ended up sated and happy.
There are so many blogs which insist that a husband is willing to take as long as it takes to get his wife aroused to the point of orgasm. That she should never worry about taking too long and that her husband will be patient and isn’t concerned with how long she is taking. This assumption makes me so frustrated for those wives who have husbands who are generally decent men, but are impatient when it comes to making sure she orgasms and complain that they feel less than when she isn’t performing as he feels she should. My first husband was like this and I NEVER wanted to have sex with him!
@Anon – Is willing, or should be willing?
I’m all about a man giving his wife all the time she needs, and mention it here from time to time. But there is another side to the story. If sex is rare, expecting that of him is like expecting fine dining table manners from a man who has not eaten in days.