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A few days ago, Lori used a part of my More on deserving post in a post she wrote for her blog. She got some push-back from several women over the word “bitchy” that I used in my post. When I used the word, I thought about it. While it’s not a word I commonly use, I don’t consider it swearing (some will disagree, that’s fine). I used it here, for a male audience, because we all know exactly what it means. We have all deal with women who are occasionally that way, and most of us have dealt with women who are that way most of the time.
I don’t bring this up to defend my choice of words; I want to talk about the harm we can do with our words. The same day my wife ran her post, my Bible reading included the following:
“If you could find someone whose speech was perfectly true, you’d have a perfect person, in perfect control of life. A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything – or destroy it! A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue – it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!” [James 3:2b-10 The Message]
Being bitchy is certainly one way we can hurt others with our words, but what about ways men hurt with words?
- Sarcasm: Some men can’t open their mouth without sarcasm escaping their lips. I don’t think sarcasm is wrong, but I have noticed women as a whole seem to dislike it more often and more strongly than men. If sarcasm bothers your wife, spare her.
- Sharing private things: Just because you’re okay with sharing something private about her or the two of you does not mean she is okay with it. Aside from hurting her, it violates trust. Talking about your sex life is one obvious way this is done, but it can be other things she finds private.
- Mean jokes and poking fun: She’s not one of the guys, and she doesn’t want to be insulted and picked on the way you and your buddies do.
- Ordering or commanding: Demanding she do something rather than asking is a bad plan. She is not your servant, and treating her as such won’t result in a good marriage (or sex life!).
- Shutting her up: Most women can out talk most men because they “have more words”. Some men “defend” against this by arguing or yelling till she gives up. This might be a good plan in some situations, but it’s a very bad way to treat one’s wife.
- Offensive words: Most of us have words that set us off for some reason. Some are words we consider profane, while others are a problem because they were used to hurt or tease in the past. Be it the word, or the connection from the past, using words that upset or offend your wife is wrong. (Note: Added this due to a comment – a valid category I missed.)
All of these things are as annoying to her as bitchiness is to you. Don’t do unto her as you hate her doing unto you.
[This post first appeared Apr 22, 2012.]
Photo by Michael Godwin on Unsplash
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Thank you for re-posting this on the tongue. I wasn’t with you in 2012 but it was perfect for today. You have been a blessing to me.
@Paul, this isn’t directly related to your post, but you write a lot about biological and mental differences between men and women. What is your opinion on the recent uptick of the trans movement? How do we find the balance of being compassionate and nonjudgmental, while maintaining certain realities? In my opinion, if someone wants to present as being of a different gender, that is none of my business, I don’t know anything about their journey, and I acknowledge that it is probably coming from a place of pain. I will use their chosen pronouns and treat them like anyone. But I am not a “chest feeder” or a “person with a vagina”! Furthermore, I’m not sure how ethical it is for doctors to remove healthy organs, or do medical procedures such as puberty blockers to minors whose brains aren’t developed enough to make that kind of decisions. What are your thoughts?
@Tory – Nice can of worms you got there!
During pregnancy, there are points when certain aspects of sexuality are set down. Development of the genitals is one of those. Then you have sexual preference, are you into men or women? And finally, there is your perceived gender, do you feel male or female. All three of these can be disrupted and come out differently than your genetic sex would predict. Hormonal disruptions at a certain point in gestation can affect the second two.
A very small percent of people are born feeling like the opposite sex because of this. A larger group are homosexual.
What we are seeing now is not that. It’s a fad, a social contagion. Lori and I know a young lady who clearly had a crush on a boy at puberty. Later she identified as bi, then as lesbian. At sixteen, she fell very much in love with a guy. I know some of the backstory and details, so I know why all this happened. Fortunately, she figured it out.
We have a lot of confused, hurting kids. They are desperately looking for a way to make it better, and some think this is the way to do that. The long term success/happiness of transitioning is not good. At first, they are thrilled, but that fades. Many are now detransitioning. Those who are all about trans don’t tell the truth about this.
I treat such folks as you describe. And I am so tired of seeing articles about sex talk about “the person with the penis”.
There is a paraphilia which causes people to want to have a limb removed. It’s seen as a mental disorder, and any doctor who preforms such an operation would go to jail. But if you want your sex organs removed, that is deemed a sane choice.
The folks who are trying to make laws to prevent this are just making it worse. Most of them come across as full of hate, which is not helping.
If someone you care about is considering this, I’d say dig deep and get the facts. Try to help them see it often ends badly. Beyond that, we can love and help pick up the pieces when it turns ugly and those who urged them to transition abandon them.