Podcast: Download
Subscribe RSS
Have you ever let something go because you just didn’t want to argue about it? Your wife upset you, or hurt you, or did something you think was wrong, but you say nothing. Maybe you just feel too tired or stressed to deal with it. Perhaps you choose keeping the peace over your needs. Or maybe you want sex later, and you’re pretty sure an argument will mean that won’t happen.
I get it. I’ve ignored wrongs for all of those reasons and others. Sometimes it seemed to work out, sometimes I’ve paid a price later. I now realise it’s wrong regardless of how it ends.
If you fail to tell your wife something upsets or annoys you, you can expect her to do it again. If she keeps doing it, and you eventually get upset enough to say something, you will probably come across angry. And your wife will rightly wonder why you are “suddenly” so upset about something she has done many times without you saying a word.
Sometimes this isn’t as much about a specific action as an attitude or behaviour. That’s even more difficult, and she may feel attacked. When you have discussions about such things, talk more about your feelings than her actions. If it’s not a moral issue of right and wrong, then don’t call it wrong. Let her know it bothers, hurts, or upsets you, and try to explain that to her. If you can say “It’s not you, it’s me” that may help a great deal.
No one enjoys hard discussions, but in the long run they make for a better marriage.
Image Credit: © ladyalex | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
My wife and I have been moving toward this for a while now. Yes, it creates more conflict in the short term, but then it is over instead of me spending months stewing over something. And, it’s more honest. As she tells me, I should say when I’m upset and we should have it out, after all, we are committed to the marriage and will find a way to settle things.
What’s the play when it’s you who wants to have the hard discussion and she’s the one who stonewalls, says later, but later never comes, etc?
In the past, when this happens, I’ve suggested she give a time to talk.
She never did.
So any tips on the flip side of this. How does one encourage their withdrawn or stonewalling wife to actually sit down and have the discussion?
I don’t really have this problem today. But it was a serious issue with my ex-wife. I’d want to discuss something and seldom did we actually discuss it.
So maybe some help and suggestions for the guys on the other end of this. They’ve approached their bride, only to be turned away or put off, only to never have her return to the discussion as promised.
@Tony, I am like your wife. I tend to be conflict-avoidant and I’d rather get over something silently on my own time than have an unpleasant discussion about it. My husband had to sit me down and explain to me the effect it was having on him, and he said it was important to him that we had the difficult discussions. He really had to communicate to me in a way I understood that my behavior made him feel stonewalled, and he asked me if we could commit to at least attempting a conversation about an issue where we both took time to hear the other person out. Like I said, this isn’t my style or my preference, but once I understood how important it was to him, I agreed to it. Maybe your wife just needs to understand how stonewalled you feel?
I’m glad it worked for you. I tried that. I even asked, what’s the best way to engage you so that you don’t withdraw and stonewall. I shared out I felt shut down when I encountered this.
Didn’t seem to matter.
Even if she said let’s discuss it tomorrow, she never returned to discuss it the next day. I ultimately no longer trusted her as promises to return to the discussion.
The bottom line is I don’t know of a way to encourage someone unwilling or unable to show up for themselves in a conversation.