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Most of us have figured out that something called “non-sexual touch” is important to our wife. What is less clear to most is just what “non-sexual” means.
Clearly, certain parts of her body are sexual, and any touching of those parts could be seen as sexual, but it’s not that easy. As best as I can tell, non-sexual is far more about what she is thinking, and what she thinks you are thinking, than what and how you touch. If your touch is a prelude to sex, or an invitation to sex, or a request for sex, or a protest of how long it’s been since you’ve had sex, then it’s sexual touch. And if you have even a hint of an erection… On the other hand, if you don’t seem to be looking for sex, anything short of foreplay can be seen as non-sexual.
Perception is a major factor here, and that makes this a difficult issue. For most men, most touch is potentially sexual, and the longer it’s been since having sex, the truer this is. Most of us can reach the place where being in the same room is sexual, and that makes it impossible for us to offer “non-sexual” touch.
Probably the best way to deal with this is to be honest. Explain to her that sometimes just being with her is sexual, and there is no way you can turn that off. However, you’re willing to choose to set it aside when that is what she needs. That means you touch her in ways she wants and ignore the fact that how you’re touching her is arousing you. Yes, I know this is not easy – it’s a sacrifice you make for her. Hopefully she will understand and appreciate it. And maybe it will encourage her to sacrifice a bit more for you.
[This post first appeared Apr 20, 2012.]
Image Credit: © Strelciuc | stock.adobe.com
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This is something I have thought a lot about. The answer is complicated.
Lets say my bride and I are spooning. My arm is wrapped around her and a hand is cupped over one of her breasts. My hand on her breast could be warm, affectionate and intimate. Or, it could be sexual.
How she receives that depends on the context – what is happening, how she feels and her perception of what my intent is. A still, unmoving hand is more likely to be received as affectionate, a moving hand risks being perceived as sexual.