Why You Must Know Why

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Why we do what we do matters a great deal for a number of reasons. One of those reasons is that knowing why we do something makes it far more likely we can change our behaviour.

Some of the reasons we do what we do are because it makes sense to us, or because it fills a need, or because we’re afraid of what might happen if we didn’t do it.

It Makes Sense to Us

Of course, what this really means is it made sense at one point in our life. Habit being what it is, we often keep doing things the same way even when it’s no longer necessary, wise or sane.

If how you do something started when you were single, you’ve had a major life change since then that might change things. Have you considered how much sense it makes to do it that way today?

It Fills A Need

What need? Is it a good way to fill the need?

Most of us used porn as teens. It filled a need, but not in a good way. And now what we’re married there is a better, more enjoyable, and non-sinful way to fill that need. Of course, there are plenty of non-sinful versions of this. For example, you used to grab a hot dog at the 7-11 on the way to work because it was fast and cheep, and you didn’t cook.

Habit can keep us doing things that once filled a need that no longer exists, or could now be met in another way.

We’re Afraid of What Might Happen If We Didn’t 

Some of these are along the lines of a superstition, but many are more substantial. Perhaps what you feared was very real a decade ago. If your girlfriend got mad when you used a common word, you stopped using it, and may still avoid it today. Or maybe you use it when you are away from your wife, but not when she is around.

We often do this with sex. We say or do things because most of the times she said yes we said or did them. We don’t know which if any of them help, but it’s not worth the risk to find out. Of course, there’s always the chance some of those put her off or now seem silly.

When Change Is Needed

If something you do is causing you or your wife problems, you need to make a change. But change it difficult. If you understand why you do something, you can more easily make changes. If why you did it no longer makes sense, then you have a good reason to change. If it once filled a need but no longer does, you can focus on that fact. If it continues to fill a need, ask yourself if there is a different or even better way to meet that need. If fear is the issue, then you have to wrestle with that. And regardless of why you do it, habit will push back against your efforts to change.

And yes, helping your wife understand why she does things could also be a good idea.

A post worth reading:

PsyPost | Using “we-talk” might help maintain your relationship satisfaction over time, study suggests ◄ Speaking of habit and choice…

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