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I ran across a study that found being sexually aroused increased both men and women’s belief that women say no to sex when they mean yes. This should not be an issue in most marriages, but it shows us something that can cause problems for couples.
What we consider okay sexually is influenced by how aroused we are. And based on this study, the effect is even stronger for women. The danger of this is your wife will go along with, or even suggest, a sex act she will feel bad about doing after sex is over.
Some couples have had this happen, and it worked out well. In the heat of the moment she did something well beyond her comfort level, really enjoyed it, and it became a regular part of the couple’s sex life. But other times it doesn’t end so well. After sex, the woman is embarrassed or ashamed. At best, she refuses to ever do that thing again. Even worse, it may cause her to pull back from things that she has previously done without a problem. And in some cases, it pretty much ruins the couple’s sex life, at least for a time.
I’ve talked to a number of men who can’t understand why their wife has refused to do or even talk about something she did once and very clearly enjoyed. The problem is she violated something inside when she did whatever. This is more likely to be an issue if what she did was something she felt was wrong. But she might also be scared that being aroused caused her to do something she would not normally have done. She may be afraid of what she might do the next time she allows herself to be that aroused, and obviously the solution is to never get that aroused again.
You can avoid these issues by being aware and being willing to say no to protect both her feelings and your sex life. If, in the heat of the moment, she seems open to something you know she feels is wrong, please don’t do it. If it’s something she has said she doesn’t want to do but does not find wrong, at least slow things down and ask her if she’s sure. Your best bet it to say “Not this time”, do something else, and discuss it later. At the very least, you get points for putting her feeling ahead of your penis.
If you don’t do whatever, and she later tells you has thought about and really wants to do it, odds are it’s okay to try it. But go slow. Better to do half of what she’s willing to do when you could do more than to do it all and regret it later.
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My wife used to be like that after having one or two alcoholic drinks. About two strong drinks and she would completely lose inhibitions and the next day say something like she couldn’t believe she did what she did and be embarrassed. You have probably seen the alcohol ad “liquid panty remover”, for my wife, that was very true. Whatever that response is, in her, it is very strong.
I did learn to not take advantage of that, just have some normal sex.
You are correct and your points are good. The whole thing can be extremely frustrating and immensely difficult to remember when in the middle of things. It’s particularly frustrating with an ultra conservative wife who normally allows very little. When you finally get permission to do something fun, it can take Herculean effort to put the brakes on. I’ve done it more than once and struggled myself with whether I was glad I was more considerate or just hugely disappointed at missing the chance.
Thankfully, things are gradually changing in our marriage and my wife is ever so slowly becoming more open and adventurous. I still struggle to make myself keep pace with her but I am very grateful for the changes.
Honestly, I’m not sure if it actually is a more pronounced phenomenon with women or if it’s just easier to see the difference with them. Since many of us men practically live in a perpetual aroused state of mind, it’s difficult to see what we wouldn’t do if we weren’t aroused to some degree. Since many women only really hit that mindset when in the moment, the contrast is easier to catch. I could be wrong but it seems plausible
@Pa’dam – I think you have a valid point.
Thank you, sir.
@Pa’dam – I think you have a valid point.