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I had an email from one of you asking about using the “F-word” in marriage as a way to describe a sex act. The writer also mentioned most of the common euphemisms for sex lack passion. It’s a great question, and I want to expand it to all the words we can use for sex acts and sexual body parts.
Imagine saying to your wife, “My dear, my libido has reached such a point I feel I must quickly remove your clothing and engage in energetic coitus until we both climax strongly.” You know what the sentence means, but it sounds funny because the choice of words doesn’t match the urgency behind the words. You could choose other words that would match the I-need-you-now condition you’re feeling. But are such words wrong to use?
The Bible does warn us about “filthy language”—but what does that mean? Are certain sounds, the sound made by a word, inherently wrong? I doubt anyone would say yes. Is it the common meaning of a word that makes it filthy, or is the intended meaning more important? I lean towards the second; it’s what the speaker means, especially if the hearer understands the intended meaning.
Let’s look at a specific word—”horny”. Horny is not considered horrible today, but when I was a kid it was an obscenity. What does the word mean? It means a strong sexual desire, but some use it to mean a blind desire to have sex with anyone who will do it. If horny means you’re desperate for sex, and you seek out your wife because she’s the only person you are supposed to have sex with, she’s not going to feel loved or special. On the other hand, what if horny means you want HER right now? What if it’s not just about your body and drive, but also about your love for her? In the second case, the word horny might make her feel rather good about herself, and about you, and about having sex with you.
An important issue in this is how words have been used by and on you and your wife in the past. The slang term for her genitals starting with a “C” is often used as an insult. For that reason, it may be a bad plan to use “the C word” word with her. The same can be true for words used to label any sexual body parts, sex act, or sexual feeling. If it’s been used to hurt, or insult, using it is a bad plan. If it makes either of you feel bad, dirty, or sinful, don’t use it. And if one of you isn’t comfortable saying or hearing the word, dump it.
Have a discussion with your wife about sex words. DO NOT PUSH HER to use any word, rather ask her what is unacceptable, what is acceptable, and what is still under review in her mind. Work together to find a language for your sex life that expresses both your passion and your love.
[This post first appeared Apr 14, 2012.]
A post worth reading:
ScienceDaily | New study finds the more conservative your sexual values, the more challenging it is to stick to them ◄ When you buy into the unbiblical lies, it doesn’t go well for you.
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