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Verbal processors speak to clarify thoughts.
Non-verbal processors think before they speak. ~ Scott Reyes
Verbal processors are infamous for thinking out loud and confusing all the non-verbal processors around them. ~ holtfan
I am a verbal processor. Talking out loud helps me hash through something. Talking to someone else is helpful, even if they just listen. If I get feed back from the other person, that’s even better.
But I’ve found a danger in doing this with my wife, who is not at all a verbal processor. She doesn’t always understand that I’m looking at things from different angles, and that much of what I say is just raw information without any intent, desire, or judgment attached to it.
When I do something that fails spectacularly, I may say “That was stupid”. I’m not really saying I’m stupid, I am identifying what I did as a bad idea that should not be repeated. And while I’ve never said, “That was stupid” about anything my wife did that didn’t work out well, I have commented on such actions in ways that she took as criticism. She has felt judged or condemned when I was just processing. This is a recent revelation for me, and I’ve been learning to quickly follow up a processing statement with assurance it’s not something negative.
The other danger is one my wife has figured out, so it’s no longer a big deal. If I say “I should go do whatever” or “I’m going to whatever”, I’m not saying I’m going to do that right now or in the next few minutes. I’m saying it out loud to help me put it into my workflow for the next hour, or today, or this month. I will also say something to consider if I want to do it, or have the time, money, or energy to do it. I won’t do much of what gets tossed out this way, I’m just looking it.
If you or your wife process verbally, and the other does not, you may have experienced these or other issues. If you think this is at play in your marriage, talk with your wife about it. Being aware of the difference is a huge help. Beyond that, the verbal processor can learn to clarify what s/he is doing, and the spouse can learn to ask clarifying questions.
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I too am a verbal processor and my wife is not. She realized this early on and it has helped us a lot. My question is this, sometimes as I am processing some heavy feelings my wife feels burdened and upset – she gets pulled into the churning and has to put an end to the conversation. I don’t get upset with her about that at all. But it makes me feel like I should not do that. But sometimes it feels like my head is going to explode, you know? This was especially true as we were in the first decade of raising 4 adopted children with FASD.
@Eric Osborn – I’ve hit that a few times. Talk to her sometime when it’s not happening and set up some guidelines. If she can ask you to stop when she needs you to, and you do so, then she is fine. And you can wrap duct tape around your head!