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Over the last two and a half years, I have exchanged several emails with one of you, who I’ll call “Rob”. Rob is about my age, and married about as long as Lori and me. For all of his marriage, Rob has been frustrated with various things, including a less than thrilling sex life. All of that has been improving the last few years, and especially the last month. Recently, he reported an amazing breakthrough when he tried to listen to her without judgment or interrupting. Then a week ago, he told me they are now having sex daily, with her doing most of the initiating. — sometimes more than once a day!
Rob says this is happening because he is trying to live out Ephesians 5:25. In the ESV that verse reads “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”
Being the kind of husband the Bible calls us to be is huge. When I look back at thirty months of correspondence with Rob, I see him doing that more and more over that time. I see where he said, “I realize now that we both have to fix things. Placing ‘blame’ on her is unfair, because I have to fix things within myself for which I am responsible for.” The emails that follow show he was serious about what he said, and lived it out. I also see that from the first he was looking to connect both physically and emotionally. Sex was part of what he wanted, but it was not all.
And now for my confession. When Rob first contacted me and laid out the problem, and some details, he asked if it was possible for a marriage to change and heal after four decades. I told him it was possible, but unlikely. I can’t tell you how glad I am I was wrong!
The truth is, most marriages can be much better if the husband devotes himself to doing all he can to make that happen. He can’t do it alone, but if he does a great deal, his wife may decide to do her part, just as Rob’s wife did. Rob’s marriage took two and half years to get to where it is today. There were positive changes before that, but progress was very slow at first. Recently they have seen the abundant fruit of all their work.
Do you want a better marriage, complete with all the sex you can handle? Are you willing to commit two or three years to making that happen? It’s a huge investment, but Rob and his wife would tell you it’s well worth it.
As Rob suggested, reading and trying to apply Ephesians 5:25 daily would be a great starting place!
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What a tremendous testimony to God’s power to restore and renew!
What a challenge – and a hope!
I fear both starting and not starting..
Greetings, Paul, my wife, and I also have had significant change in the last five years being married almost 39 years this year, with me, taking responsibility for my stuff and applying your teaching and advice. It has given her the opportunity to blossom. It’s taking time and perseverance, but I know and see God’s wisdom, and how we treat our wives. I just wish I could learn this lesson 35 years ago.
Paul. To sum up your and your wife’s teaching has been such a blessing in our marriage. Thank you for the work God has put on you to do, you both make a huge difference out there! Stay encouraged!
Great post. It’s great to see compromise and personal investment in a marriage to make it the best it can be. Five years ago, my wife of almost 49 years was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Signs of the disease were evident several years before that. Close intimate physical relations with my wife ended 9-10 years ago and it’s now obvious why. Did I want them to end? Absolutely not! The affects of Alzheimer’s surface long before the diagnosis is actually official and it brought to an end to any sexual activities in our marriage long before it would have in normal times. Where some agonize over having less sexual contact than they hope for, I had to accept the fact that there would be none at all. I have remained totally faithful to my wife. Do I wish things were different? More than anyone will ever know! Do I long to make love to my wife? Absolutely, but while being in excellent physical condition at age 68, exercising daily for the past five years and being adamant about a good diet, I know my good health will not benefit me in any way of being able to once again experience that special closeness with my wife that all happily married men so cherish. That part of our marriage is totally gone. Now, my commitment to my wife is to visit her in her Memory Care facility, remain loyal, loving and honorable and never expect anything in return from her in any way. Alzheimer’s requires total commitment from the caregiver while at the same time expecting nothing in return. During the first 45 years of our marriage, everything was 50/50 or even 100/100. We were totally committed and in love with each other! Now, as the disease progresses, it goes from 100/100 to slowly becoming 100/0. During a good memory, we all see a reflection of ourselves in the eyes of our wife. Our happiness to reflected back to us in the eyes and smiles of our wives. It’s fuel for our souls. It makes us feel complete and spurs us on! In my life, that is now gone – forever! With Alzheimer’s, this could last another year or five or twenty years. My marriage has been the most precious thing I’ve ever experienced but now I move ahead alone even though my wife still exists in physical form only. It hurts and hurts deeply. When I see people reconciling and improving in their marriages, it’s a wonderful thing to see. Enjoy the bond GOD has given you! It’s a wonderful gift. I had the same at one time but now it’s been taken away. Now I only love my wife because GOD teaches me to and I expect nothing in return. I will remain honorable to her to the end with total emptiness in my heart. This is a trying time.
This is a beautiful testimony of “for better or for worse”. You are a good example of a Godly man. I pray you may find comfort and peace and relief from your loneliness. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it would be “cheating” if you started dating again — your wife for all intents and purposes is gone. You can still visit her in the nursing home and care for her physical body however you can. I know others may disagree with me, and that’s ok, we all may have different convictions. Be blessed!
Tory,
Thank you for your response. Believe me when I say that I’ve studied this disease, every aspect of it, more than anyone can imagine. I’ve talked to many researchers, doctors and people involved in caregiving around the country, read an endless number of books, continue to follow potential treatment developments for Alzheimer’s patients, participate in numerous support groups for Alzheimer’s caregivers and continue to do so. With my complete love and devotion to my wife and my total commitment to Jesus Christ, I truly want to do the right thing. I’ve read stories and watched videos of people who are in the same situation that I am. Some have in fact continued to give full support to their husband or wife living in a Memory Care facility while at the same time deciding to move on with their lives. In many cases, people have in fact started dating again to fulfill their natural desire of being in a loving relationship. They know that their first love will never recover from this dreaded disease. I do not judge these people for making this decision and only wish them well. I have talked about this exact choice others have made with my Pastor who is a very wise person. He told me of a 47 year old father with three children who is in a similar situation. This man’s wife was involved in an accident eight years ago and has lied comatose in a care facility ever since. This gentleman who stays in touch with my Pastor asked him recently about this exact choice and whether he would be violating his marriage vows by starting a relationship with someone else. My Pastor said he couldn’t provide him with a definitive answer. He said he understands the hurt, sorrow and longing this man is going through during the prime of his life but just doesn’t know what to say based on how the Bible directs us to respond to situations like this. He told him that he wouldn’t judge him negatively either way but also couldn’t give him a definitive answer. For me personally, unless I have the “OK” from GOD that what I’m doing is not sinful and selfish, I can’t do it. I need to know I’m following DIVINE direction. To do otherwise would fill me with a guilt I can’t carry on top of the loneliness I’m already feeling from the loss of my wife’s companionship. I look at it this way. My wife still has a partial ability to comprehend even though it continues to deteriorate. If I was assured that GOD would accept my decision to do so, I would still want to discuss my desires with my wife and have her blessing before moving forward. If she approved, I might proceed even while still feeling a certain amount of apprehension and guilt. If my wife objected, I would never consider hurting her. My wife might live another six months, six years or sixteen years. That’s the mystery of Alzheimer’s. This current lifestyle I’m living might be what I have to accept for the remainder of my days. I try not to think about it. At this point, I have pretty much decided to leave it up to GOD. Believe me, it hurts more than you will ever know to not know. John spent his last years in isolation on the island of Patmos. Peter was crucified upside down. Stephen was stoned to death. Jesus suffered mercilessly on a cross for six hours before the end. I often think, I suffer six hours four times each and every day with no end in sight. Maybe GOD has a reason for this in my life. I often wonder if I’m being tested. Job sure was! Maybe my attitude is unwarranted and extreme but in the end, if I stay with my beliefs, I will have absolutely no guilt or question my decision to maintain my vows as painful and crushing as it is. I will have paid the price and done my best to reach my Eternal Home in the best possible way. I’m not trying to be a martyr and I’m not trying to be a zealot. I’ve always wanted to be the most honorable person I could be. I guess I will continue to suffer the longing pain of losing my wife versus thinking I have sacrificed my honor for personal desire. As Christ said, “ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” My wife has been my best friend. By following the guidance of this scripture, I will show to myself that I believe it.