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I’ve talked about this before, but didn’t have good facts to back it up. The study is seventeen years old, but I think it holds up well. The majority of the women were not married, so that is a factor.
The bottom line is that fear and anxiety will destroy your wife’s interest in sex, her ability to become aroused, and her chances of wanting or having an orgasm. It’s one of the surest ways to make her not want to have anything to do with sex.
Women who scored high on anxiety were more likely to feel worried, anxious, embarrassed, guilty, dirty, or inhibited about sex. So a lot of the things men complain about their wife and sex are made far worse by anxiety.
Anxiety did not affect lubrication during foreplay, but it did reduce orgasm and sexual satisfaction. The study mentioned and pointed to other studies which indicate stress and anxiety don’t impact physical arousal as much as a woman’s perception of her arousal. So her body is available for sex, but her mind is not. If she wants or feels she must provide sex, she may go ahead. I’m not opposed to a woman doing this if she freely wants to do so; however, it can teach both her body and her mind that sex is just for him. That’s not something you want.
I have two takeaways for you from all of this.
- If your wife is struggling with anxiety or stress, you need to be all about her dealing with it. It’s hurting her, your marriage, and your sex life. If it’s been going on a while or is getting worse, gently nudge her to get professional help. Don’t mention sex, just encourage her to get help, so she feels better. The benefits to your marriage and sex life are a bonus for both of you.
- Don’t have sex that teaches her that arousal and orgasm are not part of sex for her. Ask her to do something just for you, so it’s clear what is happening and what is expected. Tell her you will gladly help her get aroused and orgasm when she wants to, but you don’t want her to feel she has to do those things for you when she’s just not there. Yes, this means you don’t always get the sex you want. Consider it a loving sacrifice to protect her so she can enjoy sex in the future.
Study:
The impact of anxiety on sexual arousal in women – National Library of Medicine
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Over our 10 years of marriage, I’ve learned arousal (let alone orgasm!) isn’t for me; it’s for him. Sex is for him. My body is for his arousal and enjoyment. Sex isn’t for me, and with the way he keeps himself up, his body is most definitely not for my enjoyment. So much for 1 Corinthians 7:4. Recently, my husband has verbally told me he wants to change that, but neither of us really know how to make that happen. It’s hard to get out of the rut we’ve formed for ourselves.
@N – I’m sorry it took so long, but glad he got there.
Do you know how to orgasm on your own? If not, the odds of him making it happen are low. If you do know, you can help him learn. Ideally, you show him how and then help him copy what you did.