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Recently, when Lori and I had a bit of confusion, I said, “I heard you say ______.” I realised how smart this was as I said it, and I will try to say this rather than “You said ______” in the future.
When we say “You said” to our wife, we’re claiming we heard her accurately, and interpreted what she meant correctly. Beyond that, we’re putting the blame on our her. If your goal is to start a fight, or to prove you never make mistakes, then this is a good choice of words. If you care more about resolving the issue than laying blame, then telling her what you heard is a better plan.
When we say “I heard” we’re not saying that is what she said, we’re letting her know that is what we took away from what she said. If what we heard is not what she thinks she said, then communication went wrong somewhere between her intent and our perception. Where that confusion happened really doesn’t matter, does it? Isn’t getting on the same page and moving forward together the goal?
BTW, if you think it’s important to assign blame, you have a major problem that is going to do a lot of harm to your marriage. If this is the case, please work on this, and get help if you need it.
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Dr. Corey Carlisle | Developing our inner fortitude ◄ Cause it makes life so much better!
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Thank you Paul. I love it, I actually need this. This past week I came to realize that listening, truly listening like I should to my wife is something I need to work on. Mind you we have been married for over 43 years, and I now finally figured my part in what I thought were problems with my wife. Now that I have been trying to actively reflectively listen to her she has opened up in ways that I have only dreamed of. We have a long ways to go, but we have a good start.
@Bill Harms – Well done. I really like “realize that listening, truly listening like I should to my wife is something I need to work on”. Expect to see a post about that soon!