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Do you know what you want sexually? Are you sure?
I’ve spent years working to know what I really want and need, and the better I understand it, the better sex is. I’ve talked to plenty of men who know they don’t know what they want and need, so it’s not just me.
There are several reasons we don’t know what we really want or need sexually.
If you’ve never been sexually satisfied, how could you know what would do that for you? You know once a week isn’t enough, but what would be enough? Is it twice a week, or three times, or six?
Then there’s all the people telling us what we should and should not want when we have sex with our wife. The world tells us she should do oral on us all the time, while some in the church tell us oral sex is a sin. We get all kinds of messages about the kind of sex “real men” desire and how often they want it. It’s easy to be swayed by that and start perusing something that won’t satisfy us because it’s not what we actually desire.
Another source of confusion is trying to fill non-sexual needs with sex. Some men have a hard time asking for non-sexual intimacy. In fact, some don’t even admit such needs to themselves. So when what he really wants is some snuggling, he asks for sex because that’s a manly way to get intimacy. If he has sex it takes care of the need, but if she says no he goes without when he could probably have had what he really needs.
We may feel guilty because we want something we learned about in porn or did with a girlfriend before we met our wife. Or we may be so focused on getting such a thing we don’t see other sex acts our wife would be happy to do that would work just as well for us.
If you want to find what works for you sexually, spend time thinking and praying about it. Question what you think you need and why. Question what you say you want, and the things you have decided you don’t want. Do you really require more sex, or do you need something different? Do you really need variety, or is the problem more about frequency? Figure out what you really desire, and then work towards that.
A thought on being satisfied. Studies have found that we release more prolactin when we climax during intercourse. Prolactin is what cause our refractory period, and what makes us feel sated. That should mean you will be satisfied with less intercourse than would be required for other ways of having an orgasm.
A post worth reading:
Hot, Holy & Humorous | 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover Unsatisfied ◄ Things to avoid!
Image Credit: © Stepan Popov | stock.adobe.com
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What if you do know what you want sexually but your spouse isn’t capable of it? I enjoy sex when my partner is acting dominant, pursues me strongly, tells me what to do, is assertive. That’s hot for me. That turns me on. I’ve asked my husband multiple times but he says it goes against his nature. He is a mild mannered and gentle guy. He enjoys being pursued also, and doesn’t like being dominant or in charge. He just isn’t comfortable with it, and me asking for this has led him to feel sad like he is letting me down. So we mostly have vanilla sex that I initiate and I pursue him. (True story: one time in bed I asked him to spank me and he gave me a single half-hearted swat and immediately said, “you know I respect you, right?) 🤣
@Tory – I’ve heard this from other women. Your final comment shows the issue – he has been programmed to see the kind of sex you want as wrong, and disrespectful. Even thinking about doing it makes him feel like a monster. If all the cultural rubbish were stripped away, I wonder how he would really feel about it? Giving your wife what she wants to make sex fantastic for her is a turn on, and I think he would enjoy it if he could get past what he has been taught.
Tell him it’s play-acting. Come up with a phrase you can use if you feel even a bit put off, and ensure him you will say it if you feel the need. Then write him a couple of fantasies of the two of you have sex the way you want. Include your thoughts and feelings as the events unfold, and how loved and heard you would feel after sex was done. Then give it to him to read on his own.
Yeah, there is some risk in this. But it’s your best option for change. Show him what you want and why, and show him it does not result in him beating you.
Additionally, if you think he would like you to pursue more forcefully than you do, give it a try. Lead by example, as it were.