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Let me say up front, this post is not about sex. I will apply these ideas to sex on Saturday, but for now I would like you to think about the non-sexual areas of your marriage.
You can’t ask for what you want if you don’t know what you want. I mean, yeah, that’s obvious, but how may of us are floundering around in this very situation? We may think we know what we want, but do we really? Society tells us who we’re supposed to be and what we’re supposed to want, and there’s plenty of evidence folks fall for this. How many people buy the latest whatever, even when the one they have still works just fine? Advertising is all about convincing us we “need” something we don’t need, or can’t live without something no one needs.
We’re also told that some of our valid needs are not real needs. Society is trying to make you something you are not, and someone other than who God called you to be. Your family, friend, and perhaps even your church are doing the same to some degree. Many of us have questioned if what we want is okay, or have felt guilty for wanting something that God intended for us.
A great way to deal with this, is to ask yourself why you want what you want. What is really behind the desire? Is it the thing itself, or how having it makes you feel? Is there any sense of keeping up with the Jones involved? Are you trying to make up for something else that’s lacking in your life? Is what you say you want a substitute for something you really want that you feel you can’t have or shouldn’t ask for?
These same type of questions work when you want something from your wife rather than the newest tech gadget or the ultimate fishing rod. Are you asking her to prove her love by giving you something that will be difficult for her? Are you asking her to make up for something done to you by a past girlfriend? Do you want her to look or dress a certain way because of how it will make other men feel about you?
On the opposite side, what might you want from your wife that you never ask for out of some fear? Is what you want wrong, or does society say it’s wrong while God does not? Do you have guilt from something in your past that keeps you from sharing your need? Or maybe some former girlfriend shamed you for what you wanted.
If you think what you really want is wrong, or unfair, don’t just push it down and try to ignore it. I’ve run into men who are angry with their wife for not giving them something they have never asked for. They don’t ask because they feel what they want is wrong, but they still get upset at not having it. Other men are not expressing a valid need their wife would meet because of guilt, shame, or wrong teaching. The only way to avoid these problems is to wrestle with what you desire.
You can’t be honest with your wife about what you want unless you’re first honest with yourself. It may not be a fun experience, but you will be better off for doing it. And you might even ask for and receive something you’ve been missing out on.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | When everyone wants a piece of the pie ◄ Consider carefully. You can only give so much!
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