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Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. ~ Hebrews 10:24 NLT
According to the author of Hebrews, we can motivate others to love and good works. Would you like to motivate your wife to such things?
Motivating someone can be a tricky thing. Motivating with fear is generally a bad idea, and it’s a horrible idea in marriage. Trying to motivate by withholding things is also a path to failure. You may get what you want short term with these tactics, but you’re driving the other person away in the process, and that’s going to end badly for you.
Being able to motivate someone requires understanding who they are, how they’ve been battered by life, and what they want.
A lot of women have abuse of some sort in their past. They’ve been hurt physically and/or emotionally, and that has left scars. If you do anything that looks even remotely like the abuse they’ve suffered, that’s going to make things worse. On the other hand, if you offer her respect, protection, and genuine encouragement, you look nothing like her abuser, and that’s good for both of you.
One good way to motivate is to express your belief that she can do whatever it is. The actual phrase “You got this” may or may not be right, but that’s the attitude you want to have.
Think about what you do to try to motivate your wife. If she did those things to you, would it motivate you in a positive way? If not, why do you think those things would motivate her? OTOH, if you think it would motivate you, ask yourself if that’s because you’re a guy or because of some aspect of your personality that differs from how your wife is. “I double dog dare you” or “I don’t think you can do it” may motivate your guy friends, but it’s far less likely to motivate your wife.
Finally, if you want to motivate her to do something for you, be clear and honest. Don’t just tell her what you want from her, help her understand why you want it and what it would mean to you for her to do it.
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Hey Paul, being a man in my late 50s now I have gained tremendous insight from your blogs,it’s helped me tremendously. But recently, I’ve had some prostate issues that have left me not being able to perform, and now trying to figure out what to do, as a man, it’s been a struggle that my world is crashing down:/ moving forward They are different forms of intimacy that can deal with that, just getting my head wrapped around the world is it coming to an end?! Just looking for some words of wisdom and encouragement. Thanks for all that you and your wife do!!
Hi Richard, sorry to hear you are dealing with this, and I have to tell you as a woman: the best part for us is not the penetration, it’s all the sex play leading up to it. Work with that. Remember when you were a teen and you couldn’t have sex so every other thing seemed so exciting? Make out like you’re in high school, touch each other over clothes, get creative with foreplay, get each other really aroused. Make your wife come in other ways. Take your time. Slow down. I guarantee that this is not as big of a deal to her as it is to you. Just find ways to be sexual together. And definitely talk to your doctor about treatment options or things you can do. Blessings!
@Richard – Not sure what you mean buy preform. If you can’t get an erection, you can still give your wife an orgasm, and she can give you one.