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Knowing what to say when you speak is a good thing. Knowing when it’s best to say nothing is deep wisdom. I say this as someone who is still trying to learn this bit of wisdom.
Sometimes it’s a matter of what we would say being unkind, mean, or downright cruel. Or it could be you should say whatever, but you shouldn’t say it now.
One place this can be a big deal is during an argument. Piling on by pointing out all the thirty-seven times your wife did whatever in the last week is not helpful. If she brings a concern to you, responding by bringing up something unrelated you want to talk about is not helpful. Exaggeration, threats, lies, and expressions of anger are not helpful and usually are harmful.
Bonus: The smart reply to “does this outfit make me look fat” is “I love how you look in anything… or nothing!”
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re: The smart reply to “does this outfit make me look fat?” is “I love how you look in anything” or nothing!
Seriously, Paul?
This is not a smart reply; it’s a passive and even cowardly reply. And in many cases, saying nothing can, and often is, a more painful response than saying something (even if perceived to be) hurtful.
I can recall in my post-divorce, pre-2nd marriage dating phase many, many years ago that when getting to know new prospectives, I would tell them that I’m the type of guy that if asked the ever-infamous loaded question of “Does this dress make me look fat?” that they should expect an honest answer, not what they want to hear. Unless of course, they tell me up front that’s what they want, then I can just humor them. My wife has asked me such questions over the years and she asks because she knows I will be honest with her in my response, and she knows that I love her the way she is without me having to tell her just what she wants to hear.
You see, it’s not just YOU that she wants to look nice for. She also wants to look nice for others too, even if it’s of lesser importance than looking nice for you. So while my reply may not be a direct “yes”, I would certainly employ the use of tact in my response and suggest that maybe an alternative might be better, and there is certainly nothing wrong with being that type of honest if it’s done with love and respect.
If this approach works for you and your wife, then great! But please Paul, don’t be giving out this kind of advice to men as a general rule that should be applied across the board.
@James – I hardly see “I think you are beautiful all the time” as passive or cowardly. And if the wife wants a “real” answer she can the ask for it, knowing what she will get.
I agree that saying nothing is not always a good choice. I thought I made that clear.