Grossed Out For Your Pleasure?

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Last Friday over on The XY Code, I wrote a post titled Love Might Do It, But Would Love Accept It? in which I discussed doing something sexual for your spouse even though you dislike it. Dislike could mean you find it at least mildly gross, repulsive, scary, disrespectful, or painful. I said I would have no problem doing something that I found mildly distasteful or a little uncomfortable for my wife’s pleasure. But I have a double standard, and I wouldn’t want her to go as far down that road as I’m willing to go.

I don’t see how I could enjoy what she was doing knowing it was more than very minorly annoying to her. Beyond that, her doing something sexual she dislikes sounds like it would reduce her enjoyment of sex along with her desire to be sexual. As one woman commented, “I personally would shut down if asked to do something degrading and I am super high drive”.

Let’s talk through this. One example I used in The XY post that got a bit of discussion in the comments was ejaculating on her face. Most folks assume this is a thing because of porn, and I would agree with that. I got out of porn never seeing or even being aware this, and I have no desire at all to do it. One woman reported her husband saying “it would be a waste of an orgasm”. I feel the same way – there are so many other ways I would like to come. But let’s say I heard about this and decided I wanted to experience it. I don’t think the fact that porn made it popular makes it wrong. In my case, porn would not have been directly involved in my desire to try it.

So I suggest it to Lori. If she has a strong negative reaction to it, that might be the end of it. But if I really, really wanted it, I might ask her why she was opposed to it. If she found it disrespectful, which many women say, I would not continue to push. Asking her to do something she finds disrespectful for my pleasure seem like an exceedingly bad plan! On the other hand, if she said she found it gross, I might ask how gross. Because a little off-putting and “I’m going to hurl” are rather different things.

If Lori said she wanted to do it for me, I would be thrilled, and would gladly accept her gift. But later I would want to know how it was for her. If it was okay or not too bad, I would be willing for her to do it again on occasion. If it was more than a bit distasteful, I would thank her for her generosity and let her know I didn’t expect it again.

If I really wanted it, and Lori felt she couldn’t do it, then we could discuss ways to do something similar. Maybe she can’t handle me making myself ejaculate on her, but thinks she would be okay with her making me ejaculate on her. Perhaps she thinks she would be better able to deal with it if we did it in the shower. Or she might suggest I do it on her breasts and see how it goes.

The dance here would be between my desire and her comfort. Both of those are valid things, and I should consider both carefully. So should Lori. If we try what I want, or any variation of that, it would be a one-time test. I would be clear that her doing it once in no way obligates her to do it again. Repeat performances would be up to her, and I would graciously accept her, saying “never again”.

If there are things you would like to try that your wife is against, I hope this post gives you a way of working through it in your mind. If you decide it’s okay to ask about it, use what I have said to do that in a loving, safe way. Please keep in mind you are asking for a favour, and act accordingly.

What is and is not acceptable to women varies a great deal. Several of the women on The XY Code were not open to their husband ejaculating on their face. But one said, “I’d be willing to try it”. Some would have only a mild aversion, and a few could be traumatised by the suggestion.

Another reason for saying no to something is discomfort and pain. And again this is going to differ from one woman to another. There are wide variations in both male and female sexual anatomy. If your penis is wide or has a very high angel, certain sex acts that work for some couples will leave her sore. The angle of her vagina can also have this effect. Additionally, sex can cause women to get urinary tract infections, and some women are far more prone to this than others. Her getting a UTI for your pleasure is not a good thing.

If what you want is not sin, then it’s not inherently wrong to want it. But if your wife is strongly against it for any reason, pushing for it is unloving.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | The problem of pleasure ◄ Making the above all the trickier.

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