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Is your sex life an integral part of your marriage? Or is it something separate? When you have sex do you just flow into it or is it like looking for and then taking an off-ramp from the rest of your marriage?
Society pushes us to have a separate and disconnected view of sex. This gives us the very wrong impression that sex is not really related to the rest of our marriage. Most men can have sex even if the marriage is having problems, but most women don’t want and won’t enjoy sex if there are relationship problems. All too often men think the way to fix what they see as sexual problems is to change what they do in bed. The majority of the time the problem is relational, not sexual. If your wife lacks desire or struggles to reach orgasm, odds are what needs to be addressed is relational, not physical or sexual.
Imagine a marriage where sex is part of the whole. Your wife fondles your morning erection a bit and it feels nice, but you know it’s not an offer of sex and that’s fine. As you go your separate ways for the day you share a kiss that makes you a bit hard. You feel good knowing she desires you. In the evening you hug her from behind and your hands go up her shirt to her breasts. But it’s not a request for sex, it’s letting her know you find her sexually desirable and you both enjoy the moment. After her shower, she comes into the bedroom naked, a sure sign she wants sex. The question is never asked or answered, you just flow into sex because you know you both want it. Another night you really would like to have sex, but you realise she is tired or stressed, so you don’t ask or hint. She falls asleep with you spooning her from behind, your hand on a breast and your hard-on against her rear. She feels safe and loved, and you feel aroused and happy. On date night in the car, you put your hand on her upper thigh in a clearly sexual way and give it a squeeze. Sometimes when you do this, she responds with actions or words, other times she does not. But you do it because of how you feel about her, not to get something.
These examples happen in a marriage where sex is part of the whole. It’s always there right below the surface and from time to time it bubbles up for a moment. Most of the time that bubbling up doesn’t lead to nudity and beyond, but when it does it feels natural and right, no off-ramp required.
This kind of sexuality takes a lot of pressure off of a woman. She stops hiding her nudity when she doesn’t want sex because she knows you can enjoy it and not push for more. She is able to say yes when she might otherwise not because she doesn’t feel pressured. She might even offer something when she’s not horny because she knows you will gladly take a simple hand job and not ask her for more or complain it’s not enough.
I realise you can’t change this dynamic all by yourself. But you can choose to go that way and start doing what you can. As with any change, it will be difficult at first. And you’re going to be afraid that not hounding her for sex will mean you get even less. But if you keep at it you will see a change as your wife relaxes. And guys, a relaxed wife is far more open to sex!
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Paul, as a husband who would really like more sex, I don’t always find your posts that helpful but this one is spot on. It gives an insight into how marriage could be.
I’ll be working on our relationship next year, because everyone benefits from a good relationship, don’t they.
Thank you. Have a great year.
Sex is part of the whole. Very good explanation. It could even include some fondling of her genitals with no sex or orgasm. What wife would like with out fear of looking at the ceiling fan every time is what us husbands were taught at a marriage conference. These different parts are there to be handled in a way that you perfect over years of marriage. This means both partners. You learn after many years how to accomplish this.
I am the one who asks for sex & plan date night (Adult time). My husband is always willing to satisfy me, but I initiate sex 90% of the time.
I initiate and plan for date nights near 100% Want to trade spouses, lol.
Why can’t it be 50-50 in making date night. I usually make date night etc 90%.
@CindyD – I get that it’s annoying, but it’s not a rea; problem, is it?
@Cindy and Ron\Rob: I had a similar problem, and during a marriage counseling session, our therapist said to us: “some people just aren’t initiators. If you’re having regular great sex, but you are the one initiating nearly all of the time, who cares? Work on accepting this dynamic because very few things in life or marriage are 50-50. What are the chances that you pair up with someone who has the exact same sex drive as you? In most cases, someone will be higher, and someone will be lower. And some people just won’t ever be initiators. That’s ok.” I have to admit, I did NOT like this answer! 😅 I wanted him to tell my husband that he has to man up or whatever. But at the same time I see the wisdom in this advice
@Tory – I think we see initiating as proof of something that saying yes does not prove. It proves they want us, or love us, or care, or something. Of course, that is more about our fear than anything else.
@Paul: so much yes!!! For me, the fear was, would we even have an intimate relationship if it weren’t for my efforts? So my personal opinion is, if you are in a loving relationship and you want to bless your spouse, plan a date night or initiate sex occasionally even if that’s not your personality type and they are the usual initiator.
It would be a great turn on if the other would organize a date night once in a while and surprise the spouse with some fun ideas…
Were not dead yet, ENJOY…
Sex should be as natural and as needed as food and water. I use to be like a little trick pony, always love on and touch my husband in intimate ways. When we were dining out And I knew the table cloth and where we were seated offered an element of privacy I would stretch my feet over to his manhood and give him a little massage. I was always showing him how much I loved him and wanted him but I rarely got the response I was looking for. I finally, after many years just stopped don’t think he even realized it. He had no response at all. He is kind and caring in other ways but when your husband shows NO interest in sex, kissing, making out what is that??. It drives me crazy. He fits the definition of an Asexual perfectly. This has sadly been going on for over 10 years. It’s 5:00 am and I feel so helpless can not sleep. Talking never does any good. He says he is sorry that he is going to change, but never does. I can’t help but feel what kind of love is this? I am very sexual, I have trained myself to try and not think about sex, because I know he isn’t interested. Good gracious what is there NOT to like about having fun in bed, or on vaca or a cruise? What kind of a man doesn’t want oral sex???
Doesn’t care at all about breast or vagina??? Kissing hugging snuggling naked? Loves me and wants to be with me but just holding hands. I don’t get this at all!!! I keep his secret! I hold my tears in, I hold my feelings of desperation, rejection and helplessness in. I know internalizing all of this is not good. I can’t help but know “I wrestle Not with flesh and blood….God be with me and give me wisdom!
@frustratedwife, I’m sorry for your situation. This will not get better on its own. You should seek out a couples therapist skilled in sexuality issues who can help the two of you figure out what is really going on here. He might need a full physical including blood work to check if his hormone levels are normal or if there are some problems. He could have some unresolved trauma. He could be using porn in secret. He could be gay and hiding it. Very few people are actually asexual. I’m sorry for your situation and I hope you seek professional help because this is no way to live.
I feel the same exact way about my wife. I have tried everything to be more playful and sexual, but nothing works. I feel abandoned at times. Everything else in our relationship is great though, there just isn’t any sexual interest.
@Ron, I have the same problem.
Maybe there enjoying them selves when there alone.