That’s Not Who She Is

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There have been times in our marriage when Lori has said or done something that hurt me. Early on those events were terrifying. What if I was seeing a hint of who she really was? What if she had been faking it and was going to become my worse nightmare?

But as the months and then years went by, I learned who she was. When you live with someone, you can’t hide your true self for very long. I shared a home or apartment with a few guys before I got married, and Lori and I have lived in community with various people. If they’re not who they have pretended to be you start seeing the cracks in their facade a few months in. A year or two down the road you know the good, the bad, and the ugly.

For decades now I have known who Lori is. I know she is generous and loving. I know she is kind. I also know her broken places. So now when she does something that hurts me, my first thought is “That’s not who she is“. She is not a person who intentionally hurts others. If anything she is too concerned about hurting others. So if she hurts me that means either she has run into one of her broken places or she is reacting to me hurting her. Or both. With that in mind, I try to calm myself and figure out what is happening. Then I can apologise and/or we can talk bout it, as seems needed.

The next time your wife acts in an unusual way, ask yourself why. Is it you? Is it her past? Is it stress or being too tired? Might it be her hormones?

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Paul & Lori
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

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