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What we do and don’t do is all about how we calculate the cost-benefit ratio. If we get more from doing it than it costs us, then we do it. If not, we probably don’t.
Of course, sometimes the “benefit” is we get to keep our job, or don’t get pulled over and given a ticket, or our wife doesn’t walk out and possibly not return. So the benefit can be a carrot or a stick.
You do this all the time, often without consciously thinking through it. And your wife does it too. However, you and your wife see various costs and benefits differently. Some things that are easy for you are difficult for her. Some things she finds greatly rewarding are meh for you. So when you each plug your values into a cost-benefit ratio, you may get different answers.
Sex is one place this is common. For a number of reasons, sex is more difficult for most women, which raised the cost. And for some women the benefit is small or sometimes doesn’t happen. You on the other hand find shopping or chick flicks to have a high cost and limited or no benefit.
The next time you and your wife don’t see eye to eye on something, ask yourself if this might be a factor. If it is, how could you raise her benefit and/or lower her cost? If you don’t know, consider asking her. I suggest asking her at another time, rather than looking like you just want to get her to change her mind right now.
Finally, don’t overlook the “I love my spouse” benefit. That can make it possible or even easy to do something that otherwise has a negative cost-benefit ratio.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | Roll with it ◄ Even if that doesn’t come naturally.
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Knowing that I’m storing up treasures in heaven by having sex with my husband when he wants it but I’m not really in the mood helps reframe it for me.
In working with couples professionally, I have found that what does on in the bedroom is a reflection of what goes on outside of it. If the emotional connection of a wife (or husband for that matter) is weak, their is less interest in the bedroom. In most instance, rebuild the emotionally connection and the physical connection will follow.
http://www.MarriageCounselingAlt.com/communication-tools.htm
@Dr. Ken Newberger – I agree – most “sex problems” are not about sex.