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I have mentioned that in about twenty percent of marriages the wife has the higher sex drive. I have also said if that is your situation, you need to take care of your wife sexually. But I’ve never done a post about it.
Higher drive is a relative thing. If a woman who wants sex three times a week is married to a guy who wants it once a week, she would be seen as high drive. If the same woman were married to a man who wants sex daily, she would be called low drive. If your wife wants sex more often than you do, this post is for you, and it’s very important for your marriage.
When you married your wife, you promised to care for her in a number of ways, including caring for her sexually. If she wants sex, she should have it. If she wants sex daily you should make a real effort to do that and consider four times a week the bare minimum.
Some men think “I can’t get an erection if I don’t want sex” gets them off the hook. The reality is erections are a reflex response to stimulation. If a man doesn’t have ED, his wife can get him hard if he lets her. So tell her if she can get it up, she can enjoy it!
Of course, the other reality is many women don’t climax from intercourse, so in many cases, an erection is not needed. You have two hands and a mouth, and a nice vibrator can be bought inexpensively.
A few things to make it good for her.:
- She wants you involved. Absent-mindedly feeling her off while you watch the game isn’t going to be a big hit.
- Wanting sex doesn’t mean she is fully aroused. She will need some foreplay both to get aroused and to make her climax better.
- It will be better for her if you take your time getting her off. A couple of extra minutes will make a big difference. This is all about her, so make it really good for her.
- Giving her the best orgasm possible means carrying stimulation through her climax.
- When she comes, she feels close to you. So snuggle up and let her enjoy that.
- You are blessed to have a wife with a strong sex drive. Let her know you understand that.
There, is, of course, the possibility that doing something “just for her” will get you aroused. Go into it with the understanding that if that happens, you get to come too. The other possibility is that doing something just for her now and then means you want sex more often. That sounds like a win to me.
Failing to meet her sexual needs hurts her deeply. Taking care of her sexually when you don’t want sex will speak your love to her like few other things ever will. Aside from being the right thing to do, she deserves it.
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I agree, unmet sexual needs hurts very deeply and causes resentment like I have.
I worked with a guy for many years, he said he was kind of once a week or so person and his wife wanted it daily. He had more sex than he wanted, but also did things to avoid sex, like playing to be asleep at bedtime or not waking her up early in the mornings. He said if he woke her up before work, he would end up being late to work. He said sex seemed to be on her brain every day and it wasn’t for him.
Possibly throwing a cat amongst the pigeons here, but this post got me thinking…
“When you married your wife, you promised to care for her in a number of ways, including caring for her sexually. If she wants sex, she should have it. If she wants sex daily you should make a real effort to do that and consider four times a week the bare minimum.”
What if the same thing was said to wives (just reversing the genders), so that it reads as follows:
“When you married your husband, you promised to care for him in a number of ways, including caring for him sexually. If he wants sex, he should have it. If he wants sex daily you should make a real effort to do that and consider four times a week the bare minimum.”
Imagine a post like that on the XYCode. How would that go down? I’m imagining the pushback already.
So my question is: Should it be applicable to both husbands and wives? If not, why not?
Is it ok to tell husbands because sex is generally easier for them? (I’m just guessing that might be a reason.)
I’m just thinking all this over in my head, and I don’t really know the answers. I’d be interested to hear what Paul and others have to say about it.
@Wife – I’ve said that on the XY Code. It was a bit more gentle, but the underlying message was the same. I probably suggested “sex more days than not” should be enough for him, which would be four times a week.
I talked about the pain of being refused in https://thexycode.com/2019/01/11/the-two-sides-of-sexual-refusal-the-refused/
In of my most-read XY posts suggests trying to have sex most days – https://thexycode.com/2016/03/07/most-viewed-3/
I said “For most men that lower limit is somewhere between three and five times a week.” in https://thexycode.com/2018/10/26/you-can-satisfy-him-sexually/
As I said, I hit men harder than I do women. Partly because I’m a guy and I can get away with it, and partly because guys generally need a harder push.
As for easier, I don’t think so. If he is opposed to sex, there is a great deal in his head that makes it difficult for him to do it. Society expects women to have sex even when they don’t want to do so, but don’t expect the same for men. I also suspect some are afraid of getting an erection when they said they don’t want it. The erection doesn’t mean they wanted or now want it, but they may fear their wife will read it that way.