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“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church … In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” [Eph 5 25 & 28 ESV]
“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children,” [Titus 2:3-4 ESV]
Have you ever noticed the inequity in those two passages? We men are commanded to love our wives, while older women are told to teach or train the younger women to love their husbands. It’s a fairly significant difference and I figure it must mean something. Whatever else it may mean, it tells me God sees men and women, husbands and wives, as different. They have different needs, different strengths and weaknesses, different temptations, and so on.
But why the difference we see in those verses? Either women need to be loved more than men do or men are less likely to be loving than women. I think it’s a combination of the two.
Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect, deals with this issue. The subtitle of his book is “The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs” – indicating love is more important for her, while respect is more important for him. This is a biblical thought we see Paul sharing:
“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” [Eph 5:33 ESV]
Here men are commanded (yet again) to love, while women are commanded to respect.
Sounds simple, but human nature gets in the way. We tend to give what we want. In most situations, the Golden Rule works well, but when two people have different needs and priories, doing unto them as you would have them do unto you does not work out so well. You get a man who is half killing himself to show his wife respect, while she is doing all she can to show him love – and both feel neglected and think they are the only one working on the marriage.
Bottom line: She needs you to love her. If you are not doing that well, you are failing her as a husband, no matter what else you are doing.
BTW, this is not to suggest men don’t want or need love or that women don’t want respect. And some women are more about respect than love. But most wives are hungrier for love.
[This post first appeared Feb 12, 2012.]
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Paul, part of the dilemma could be seen in knowing the two words “love” are not the same Greek word.
Ephesians 5: Husbands are to love = “Agapao” their wife. This is a self-sacrificing commitment to do what is in the best interest of the other person. Root word is Agape.
The word in Titus 2: Wives are to “Love = Philandros, have a strong affection (friendship) for their husband and children.
Husbands must love their wife which is a conscience decision to place her first in his heart. Men are protectors and providers at the root of desires. Paul tells Titus to train these young wives to be the best friend her husband and children could ever have.
The two are not the same. This is a VERY brief explanation and I am no Greek wiz. Hope it helps!
@Jerry Stumpf – Thanks for that Jerry – it certainly is part of the puzzle!
Paul, you know I love your work :-) that being said, why do you agree with Eggrichs in that more wives desire love than respect? Do you have any evidence for this, other than Eggrichs’ book and your own opinion? One reason i esteem your writing is that you often provide factual evidence to support your claims. Are you aware of a study that was done on 1200 men and women and published in “Psychology Today” asking them to choose what was more important to them in a relationship — love or respect— and about 70% of men chose respect? But about the same number of women — 70%— ALSO chose respect over love? I know you push gender differences a lot, and I agree that men and women are different, but we are also similar in many ways, and I don’t think wanting respect from your spouse is a gender thing.
@Tory – I’ve not seen that study. Have a link handy?
In my experience, it holds true, but not as strongly as Eggrichs says. A couple we recently met with both wanted respect more.
I also suspect that the way the world is changing has altered this. True respect is all too rare today, so maybe everyone is hungrier for it. It would be interesting to see a study break it down by age.
It might also be more nuanced. I know men who would be okay with respect and no love in marriage. I don’t know a lot of women I think would be okay with that.
@Paul— gladly. Here is the write-up in Psychology Today, referring to the poll, a 2-part study done through Harvard.
@Tory- No link!
🤦♀️ I must be losing it!
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-joint-adventures-well-educated-couples/201210/women-need-love-and-men-need-respect
I blame my children for losing it!
Thanks for the link. I see the survey group was in no way random, as the author noted when she said “My sample is a highly targeted sample, and I can no more generalize my results to all women than anyone studying a particular group of people.” It seems from the two groups she did that being well-educated resulted in more women wanting respect. But even that is iffy given how the study was done.
It does give an interesting glimpse of the bigger picture. Lori and I were discussing this, and the fact that women used to be respected. Today they are not. Perhaps that has changed things.
It certainly is not as simple as Eggerich says it is. I’d love to see a well-done survey on it. And with a better question than the one Eggerich used!