Podcast: Download
Subscribe RSS
Why do you want sex?
Odds are the first reason that came to your mind was “because I’m horny” or “because I need release”.
We’re men, that’s what we’re supposed to say, right? We’ve been trained to think this is our reason for sex. We may also think it’s a reason that our wife should respect. But is that all there is to your desire for sex? Are there times when you want sex and you’re not that horny and don’t need release?
I’m not saying horny or needing to come are bad reasons for sex. If you feel those things, sex with your wife is the way of dealing with them. But what if there’s more? What if you’ve been so programmed to think “I seek sex because I’m horny” that you can’t feel the whole truth?
Sex is a deeply intimate act. Let’s be honest, some of us have difficulty with intimacy and even more with seeking it. So perhaps sometimes when we ask for sex what we are primarily seeking is intimacy. Sex can be comforting. Some men can’t ask for comfort and may use sex to get it. Or maybe you’ve had a long stressful day and you want to be babied a bit. You can’t ask for that, but you can ask for a hand job or a blow job, which is her focusing on you. Perhaps you can’t ask her to baby you, but you feel okay asking her to baby your penis.
What do you think would happen if you asked your wife for sex and explained you were mostly looking for comfort, intimacy, or to be babied a bit? Most women would be pleasantly surprised by this. It makes your sexuality three-dimensional and most women would see that as a very good thing. In fact, some women would be more willing to have sex or do something sexual for their husband for one of those reasons than because he wants to come.
The next time you seek sex, ask yourself what’s causing you to do so. What are all of the things pushing you? What is the primary one right now and what else is there as well? If you’re a young guy or you’re not having sex nearly often enough, horny and needing release will probably always be there, but look for more than that.
Image Credit: © #visualpower| stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
Paul, it took me 35 of my 38 years of marriage to accept this as real and truthful in my marriage.
By then, I had trained my wife to see my advances as purely physical. As I get older, and need the emotional aspect of intimacy more and more, she’s now inclined to refuse me on the grounds that a physical need (mine) isn’t that important to her.
Oh how I regret telling her that “morning wood” was only the result of having to pee…….
@John – We are 38 years in January, and it took me about as long to figure it out. My hope is sharing it here will help some men “get it” much sooner.
Bingo. I have long held the opinion that with sex, our greatest need is intimacy and connection, not release and pleasure. (Although of course release and pleasure are important!!) However, it is not “manly” to admit this. Men have been conditioned to portray themselves as “horny” because it’s acceptably male. And that’s why I (a female) push back against the “sex is not a need” crowd. Yes, you won’t die from lack of sex. But your relationship might.
On a personal note, my husband and I went through a serious rough patch a few years ago. We went through (very successful) marriage counseling. One of the issues we had was my struggle as being a wife and the higher drive partner and facing frequent refusal from my husband, which made me feel undesirable and rejected. Our marriage therapist (a dude) nicely asked me “why don’t you just masturbate?” And I retorted “because it’s not what I want!” If it was just about release, we could all take care of ourselves and no one would ever complain about their husband or wife not being in the mood. But I think Paul makes a great point here about the primary need being intimacy and connection.
@Tory- I have come to see pleasure and release as God’s way of getting us to have sex so we can get all the other more important things it gives us.
Spot on about sex being a need for one’s relationship.
I came to understand the emotional side of my sex drive years ago but despite my explanations my wife doesn’t see it. I of course love the visual, physical aspects of sex and I feel no shame in being horny but that only satisfies a part of the longing.
Knowing that my wife has no interest in me physically and emotionally in sex has really zapped the fulfillment in our sex life.
Now post menopause there is nothing at all and she falls back on the tired excuse of not having hormones. So, our future is pretty bleak, in my opinion.
I’m supposed to just be happy no matter what…I’m genuinely happy in most areas of life save this one.
It took me 38 years of marriage to really “get” this. I was at the breaking point, given our endless cycle of rejection and avoidance related to sexual intimacy.
We are doing much, much better in terms of meeting my need to regular non-sexual intimacy, and that has helped. We still have a long way to go to find our way to a better place for sexual intimacy. But, this problem was 38 years in the making, I don’t expect all issues to resolve swiftly.