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Yesterday over on The XY Code, I went on a little rant about folks who make life difficult for their grown married children. Because of what Lori and I do, we’ve heard a lot of horror stories about parents who won’t give the couple privacy, make unacceptable demands on their time, interfere with their parenting, or bad mouth one spouse. Most of these folks have good intentions, but that doesn’t fix the damage they do.
In my experience, the wife’s mother-in-law is the problem most of the time. As much as the father, father-in-law and mother combined. And I think this is a headship issue for the husbands involved.
If your mother is bullying your wife, you need to deal with it. By deal with it, I mean you need to put a stop to it. If mom won’t stop, then you tell her you won’t be seeing her till she can behave. That doesn’t mean you go over without your wife, it means she has lost access to you until she can act as she should. Sure you show up for a true emergency. Unless you figure out mom is creating emergencies to get your attention. God told us to leave, cleave, and become one flesh. If we can’t leave as needed, we can’t cleave or become one flesh!
On the other end of it, don’t let your dear wife be the mother-in-law from hell. If she is interfering with your son and daughter-in-law’s marriage, tell her to knock it off. If she bad mouths them to anyone, call her on it. I understand this won’t go well for you, but it’s one of those places where what’s right is more important than what it will cost you.
And of course, all of this applied to you as well. Be loving and supportive, but give them the room to grow and make their own mistakes. Love them and be available, but make it clear you respect them as adults.
And no, it’s not a coincidence I am posting about this a week before Thanksgiving!
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | Unfinished symphonies◄ A great thought to have as we gather with friends and family for Thanksgiving
Image Credit: © zinkevych | stock.adobe.com
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Twice I had to confront my mother. She would call my wife and gossip about the rest of the family for hours causing my wife to be discouraged, and resenting my mother’s calls. She also encouraged my brothers to make my boys feel anything by young men and the conversations started to become about sexual issues. Both times I went to mom and said if you want to see me and the your grandsons, then this behavior will stop. Otherwise, we will not we coming to visit. Of course she became angry at first, and for a few weeks would not speak to us, but the behavior by both her and my brothers not only stopped but I noticed a new level of respect shown to my wife and my sons. It can be a difficult decision to make to confront your mother and set boundaries, but years later, my mother was heard telling another person that my wife was her favorite daughter-in-law and my sons were growing up to be real men of God.
Oh my goodness. Here are some actual texts from my mother-in-law to me:
“Running to the grocery store, is there anything I can pick up for you?”
“Good luck on your job interview today! I’m sure you will crush it!”
“Would you like me to babysit so the two of you can have a night out?”
“Happy anniversary! We are so blessed to have you as a daughter-in-law! You’re a wonderful wife and mom!”
“Just a note to say I love you and hope you are having a great day!”
Folks, be like this woman right here. And my parents are equally lovely to my husband :-)
I have a wonderful mother in law. She has been great from the beginning. However, it was my mother that was the problem. Wouldn’t respect boundaries, believed she should have as much say if not more than my husband in issues relating to our kids. We had to be one of those couples that cut off contact with a parent. It was better for our marriage, our kids and my stress level. We never completely shut the door but after 15 years she still hasn’t gotten it. Sometimes you really do have to walk away.
I have real trouble believing some of these mother-in-law’s have the best intentions. Especially the ones who bully and badmouth the wife. Like how can being a miserable, rude, spiteful, jealous, old coot be done with the best of intentions?
My paternal grandmother was one of these. My dad never did anything about it. She did eventually. But she was horrible to my mom and my sister for decades before that.
I have learned as a result of my father’s confession to me a year before he died, that miserable people make everyone around them miserable because they can’t stand people enjoying life when they can’t or won’t for whatever reason. I heard that saying many times, but when it comes home to where you live then you begin to understand the depths of the truth behind it. Many times, people without being intentional will be all those things and never even realize it because it has become part of who they are and how they think.