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So guys, when you make love with your wife, are you a generous lover?
This is tricky because what would make a man a generous lover for one woman would not make him a generous lover for many other women. Even worse, what your wife would see as generous one time won’t be seen that way on other occasions.
So how do you become a generous lover?
First, please understand that sex is far more difficult for women than men. It takes more to get aroused. Pain and discomfort at more common, both during and the next day. Having an orgasm takes more work and sometimes it doesn’t happen even when you really want and need it. If you orgasm during intercourse, which about half of women can’t do, it’s only possible in a few positions.
Because sex is so much easier for us, being sexually generous is the right thing to do.
Being a generous lover means you’re all about making sex what your wife wants then and there. Not what you think she should want. Not what she wanted last week or last year. And certainly not what porn tells us women want.
So if she wants an orgasm, then you do what it takes to make that happen. If she wants half a dozen orgasms, you make it happen. If she wants slow intimate sex without an orgasm, then that’s what she gets.
Being a generous lover also means you give her the kind of foreplay she wants, for as long as she wants. And when sex is over, you give her all the afterglow she wants. It means having sex at the time of day she prefers and using the position or positions she most enjoys. It means learning to know when she wants “Take me fast and hard” and when she needs slow and gentle.
Being a generous lover means you’re willing to sacrifice for her sexually. But it also means being all about your own sexual pleasure, because that’s a turn-on for her. It’s a tricky dance and it will take you years to master it.
Finally, the world expert on what your wife wants sexually is… your wife. No book or blog can teach you what your wife can. If she feels she can trust you and thinks you really want to learn, she can help you become the kind of lover she wants.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | Permission to be free ◄ Yes and amen!
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I totally agree with what you suggested, but I think it requires PhD level marriage skills. First, the wife has to KNOW what she wants and desires. Fear, shame, pain, and guilt make that very difficult. Second she has to be willing and able to express that to her husband. Third, he has to be generous enough to try to give her what she needs. And he has to understand her needs and follow the changes as they happen.
@Roy Zesch – It does take time and work! I think trust between husband and wife is a big part of it. Can she risk being open and vulnerable?
This should be the norm in all marriages. Premarital counseling material usually not covered but is very important not too. Also, great training for old age as it will soon be upon you and changes are needed to adapt to it.
But sometimes the husband just can’t give the wife what she wants, whether that’s because of her desires being too unrealistic for him or his inability to achieve them. For example, sexual arousal has been very difficult for me from the start because I haven’t found my husband’s body attractive or enticing. I have a “type” physically speaking (I prefer men that take good care of their bodies. It’s a respect thing for me… for both his partners and himself) and he’s always been somewhere between very overweight to morbidly obese. Over the years, I’ve come to accept that my standard isn’t a value he shares (even though he said it was before we married & I VERY naively believed him when he said he’d change once I was doing all the cooking & we were living together). He loves me in the ways he can, but conquering his binge eating disorder & emotional eating rooted in his childhood is just too much for him. So I take what love and affection I can get, and we use a bullet vibrator in the bedroom to get me there. It’s not the passionate sex life I want full of eroticism and desire, but at least I’m orgasming now, unlike the first decade of our marriage.
Great post, Paul. My only issue is with the way you worded “sex is far more difficult for women than for men”. In my opinion, it might be more accurate to say “more complicated” or “less automatic” for women than men. “Far more difficult” comes off overly negative in my opinion. Otherwise I agree with everything. I don’t think there are too many men who regularly display that level of generosity though! Most of my women friends complain that their husbands are lazy lovers
@Tory – You’re right. But would husbands hear those words as strongly?