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In my How You Ask Why Matters post over on The XY Code, Tory mentioned that research has found “why” can be a hot-button word. Why can sound accusatory, even when that’s not the intention. You can try to phrase the question to avoid that or you can ask what or how instead. Why focuses on the problem. What helps us see solutions. Additionally, why is easy to answer. No digging, no discovery. What often forces us to think, which is a good thing.
So instead of asking “Why do you feel bad?” ask “What made you feel bad”. Even better, ask “What would make you feel better?” That question requires thinking about what would help. This puts us in the mindset that there is a solution, which is a good starting place.
So let’s apply this to sex.
“Why won’t you have sex with me?” is clearly accusatory. It puts her on the defensive and that means you’ve already blown it. Asking “What would make you more interested in sex?” is a far better question.
Instead of “Why won’t you have oral sex?” ask “What would make oral sex easier for you?”
A few other good what questions:
- What do you enjoy about sex?
- What do you not like about sex?
- What do you consider great foreplay?
- What sex act would you be fine never doing again?
- What sex act would you like to try?
- What can I do to help you come easier, faster, or better?
And a final one, last but not at all least: What nonsexual things affect your interest in and enjoyment of sex?
A post worth reading:
The Hero Husband Project | Who Handles the Mental Load in Your Marriage? ◄ Do you need to do more?
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