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Clashing standards and expectations can cause a plethora of marriage problems. One place where differences can be especially harmful is the bedroom. Because sex is so personal, our sexual standards and expectations feel very personal. When expectations aren’t met, or standards are violated, it can wound or anger us.
When you feel this way, your wife is also suffering from the clash of expectations. When she says no to something, doesn’t enjoy something, or wants something you don’t want, that hurts. Any anger or disappointment on your part only adds to her injury and that won’t encourage change.
Another problem is when the wife initially goes along with something that she doesn’t like or something that violates her standards. This is especially common when a couple became sexual before marriage, but it also happens to couples who avoided premarital sex. Women are, on the whole, more likely than men to “go along to get along” and that can get them into sex they don’t want or enjoy. A few months or years later when she gets the courage to say something, her husband is understandably upset that she is “trying to change the rules”. He feels betrayed, lied to, or wonders why she has changed. In reality, she hasn’t changed; she’s just decided to stand up for her preferences.
If you’re having sexual problems because of a clash of standards or expectations, I suggest you scale back to basic sex. Simple foreplay, a common position, and your hand or mouth, as she desires, should she need that to climax. Go back to basics and do just that for a while. Yes, I know it seems like a huge sacrifice and you may fear it will be boring. But this will help you both get a clearer picture and it can reset your sex life.
If doing things she dislikes has put her off sex, going back to basic sex should help. If frequency has been a problem, basic sex may help that as well. If going back to basics doesn’t result in any changes, there’s a problem beyond clashing sexual expectations or standards. Going to the basics is a good diagnostic tool and could show her she has an issue that needs attention.
If basic sex results in good changes, don’t be in a big hurry to do more. Give her time to adjust and to learn to want and enjoy sex. Eventually, you can discuss adding things to your sex life. Start with something you both feel good about and go slow, building on the solid base you’ve created.
[This post first appeared Jan 14, 2012.]
Image Credit: © VadimGuzhva-| stock.adobe.com
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My sexpectation was to have sex. I’m ok with basic sex, wild sex, kinky and strange sex, and anything on any spectrum between or even non-penetrative sex if that’s all that she could manage. Literally any kind of sex at all would be good enough for me. Anything at all.