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Humans are given to complaining about what we don’t like. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t nearly as given to praising what we like.
When Lori and I started doing what we do online, we got more complaints than praise. Fortunately, we knew folks with an axe to grind tend to be more vocal than those who like what they hear. And it’s not just us. When Jesus healed ten lepers, only one came back to thank Him. He came to save us and He got a lot more negative than positive feedback!
But I’m not fishing for compliments here. I’m using these examples to show you how common it is to complain and how uncommon it is to praise. And sadly, many folks are this way in their marriages.
Gottman says his research shows that in marriage we need five positive things to offset one negative thing. When we manage that ratio, the negatives are seen as part of the whole and can be received and processed. When the ratio of negative is higher, it overwhelms.
If you want your wife to hear you when you share something you don’t like about her or your marriage, you need to share plenty of things you do like. If she feels you appreciate her, she will be better able to deal with things you dislike. If most of what she hears is negative, she will reject it out of hand.
Is gratitude a major part of what you say to your wife? If it’s not, you need to work on that.
Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay
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Agreed! I’ve noticed in my own experience that I seemed to be complaining/whining a lot. I didn’t like it and did some soul searching to find out why. Mind you, it wasn’t complaining to or at my wife so much. I’ve learned over the years that it doesn’t end anything like I might hope. It was on sites like this one. I realized that it was the pent up frustration of decades that had previously lacked a viable outlet. I could finally let it out and express my feelings.
As to it being overwhelmingly negative, I had a mental image of when I worked at a dairy farm once. I learned that cows sometimes get mastitis which makes the udder sensitive and clogged. The milk will build up behind the blockage and make things really uncomfortable. The best thing to do is to gently as possible yet firmly knead that udder to work the blockage out and “express” the infection. What comes out at first isn’t something we want to keep. It is negative and sometimes rather nasty. Yet it MUST come out. If you keep working at it, through the discomfort of cow and farmer alike, you will bring great relief to the cow and behind that will come good, nourishing milk. It will be mingled and unusable at first. Keep going and before long the good will flush out the bad and you will find an abundance of what you need. It may not be something that a buyer will want but it is drinkable and can be just what a calf needs …or a farmer if they want. The evening milking will repeat the experience almost exactly but with a bit less of the nasty. Over a couple of days, the infection will clear completely leaving only good, nourishing milk.
I think that maybe I was a little like that but emotionally rather than physically. My first few attempts to share were infected with bitterness and pain. I’m trying to filter that out while still “working it out of my system” and hopefully will soon be to a place of healing where it is no longer mingled good and bad.
Sorry if that’s too graphic. It was a revelation to me and gives me hope for the future. I hope it might help others to be prepared for the nastiness they may well encounter at first in their own healing process and offer hope that it won’t always be like that.